Words to live by...

Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

To pray or not to pray...that is the question.

Ours is not a straight forward path and although we hope to be progressing forward all the while amidst the twists and turns, life is one adventure after the other. While in some of life's transition periods we seems to sail beautifully, there are those that knock us flat and cause us to crawl. It is our determination to never quit that pushes us to make it through whether we find ourselves sailing or crawling.

My recent transitions put me through one of the worst years of my adult life. When things got particularly difficult, I stopped blogging and spent a large part of my time crying out to God. He alone sustains me. It is not that I am without love here on this earth; I am, in fact, quite blessed to be loved by many and blessed to return that love.

One would think that I would have long ago learned to be cautious in my personal prayer life, yet I sometimes forget that when I ask my Lord to do something for me that He definately has wisdom that I do not understand nor appreciate during the times He is working a change in ME. So, he does not change. I do. And, its always a difficult struggle.

My case in point is this: Having come to the realization that when faced with any dilemna my first reaction was to "handle it myself" and I called on Him only after I had struggled and pushed myself to exhaustion,frustration, tears, and even anger-then and only then would I look to the hills from whence my help cometh. I finally became so very tired of this cycle, that I cried out to Him, "Heavenly Father, draw closer to me!"

I also forgot His sence of humor. Reaching out in His infinate love, He allowed many circumstances to arise in my life that gave ME the chance to choose the old methods of coping or a new way-His way. I began calling on Him FIRST! Not only is He the One who saved me from hell, but He is my Savior all day every day. He saves me from every single thing I ask Him to.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into and they are saved.

Those words are His promise to each and everyone of us and He likes it when we remind Him of His promises...that shows we know what they are and Who He Is.

I call on His name, having been made righteous by the blood of Jesus, and tell him what I need to be saved from. That list has ranged from pain to desperation. He saves me from depression, self-pity, fear, anger, frustration, my distorted self-image, my racing mind, bouts of sleeplessness, from lack of anything, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness, old coping mechanisms, and other old self-destructive habits including the need to fix everything for everyone.

What joyous freedom! I have the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about and so few of us ever experience enjoying. Calling on Him first goes against our human nature and everything we are taught by strong, self-sufficient, determined mothers who lack the deep intimate knowledge of Him and Who He is. This is not a condemnation merely my own observation. My own mother died at the tender age of 58, worn out to the point of exhaustion mentally, physically, and spiritually because she didn't know the height, width, and breadth of His love.

Not having a God-like father has cheated many of us of the joy of a man who is safe and simply adores us all the while teaching us of life and God Himself. I have come to know that my parents did the best they could. I hold no anger toward either of them. I also know that I am one of the blessed ones. I got it!

God has wooed me since childhood and while I will pray more cautiously from now on, I will continue to pray. He is the love of my life, the joy of my soul, the creator of all that is good...even when it means He has to allow me to struggle. And for that I find myself grateful to Him.

Epiphany

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

First of all, let me say that I love the word epiphany! I like the way it looks, the way it sounds, I love what it means, and most of all I am thrilled when I experience one.

Some of you have been writing to see if I am okay. Thank you so very much! I am doing well. This is such an introverted time in my life. I have been experiencing many emotions that are new to me some of which are expected and some not so much.

It seems that God has allowed my regular veins of support to be cut-off with the ultimate goal of my having to turn to Him for everything. This time, I can honestly say that I caught on rather quickly:).

I imagine some of what I am going through has to do with my age as I am approaching 49 shortly. With age comes changes in perspective and wisdom. Hopefully, the lessons I have struggled with will now be put behind me and will become issues I no longer have to deal with. Never more than now have I come to realize that while people may fail you or leave you God never will.

She wept...

As a parent, I can assure you that there are few things worse than knowing your child's heart is breaking and that you can do nothing to take away the inevitable pain.

Last night my daughter wept and I held her. I listened and allowed my heart to break also in an effort to shoulder some of her burden. And inwardly, I wept, too.

She asked so many poignant questions...I could offer no answers...only promise that we will get through this together with the strength given to each of us from God Almighty Himself.

I have prayed for my children since I was only ten years old. There were things I did not want them to have to suffer...things that had been horrible for me. I always knew I would be a mother...it was just a matter of when.

In my own self-discovery, I once read a in the book, My Mother, Myself that mothers will often distance themselves from their daughters in an effort to shield themselves from reliving the horrors of their own childhoods. That line put my own mother and my childhood into perspective immediately. It also changed me forever. I chose to be emotionally available to my children. For the most part, I have done so and done well.

I do, however, understand how a mother could be driven to detach from her children...a mother who has not yet healed the gaping wounds left in her soul by the ravages of her own childhood. It is not easy to share the weight of another's burden, but God in His infinate grace and mercy has prepared me for such a time as this.

I have often said that each decision we make causes ripples and affects those around us. The difference in our making a good decision...not a wrong or right one...is our intent. A decision one makes in an effort to better one's own life is a good decision provided that is the true intent. The decision causes change to our loved ones and change is often not an easy thing to do. It causes pain. And pain, well, it hurts.

Even though my heart wants to tuck my baby girl into a blankie and carry her, my head knows this is a part of her journey that she must complete. I also know that I will be there right beside her, along with Our Heavenly Father, to do in the physical realm what He would have me do. I will hold her when she collapses, steady her when she is weak, listen when she needs to talk, and soothe her when she feels she is drowning. Above all, I will laugh when she laughs and weep when she weeps.

I am Momma...hear me roar.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

This morning I woke up to the glorious sun streaming through the windows! Even though I am not what one could call an outside person, there are two things about the outside that I love...sunshine streaming through my windows and fresh air blowing in the breeze. There is something soothing in both.

For some time now I have been locked in a whirlwind of emotions...feelings and realities that demanded attention. I hold fast to the belief that God Himself is in control and knows what is best for me. I do not always understand all that He allows and most times I do not appreciate His ways. Then, every now and then, I catch a glimpse of the big picture. Although my life today is the sum total of all decisions I have made (good, bad, or indifferent), He has always stood by me or carried me. Given my difficult times, I can not imagine a life where I did not have Him to cry out to.

Being a victim of hormonal swings is not now, nor has it ever been, an enjoyable experience. Neither has been my ongoing journey of self-exploration. Add to that chemical depression and bad relationship choices and there you have a good idea of my life since the tender age of ten. Please do not feel sorry for me. This is merely a summary of events that I need to blog.

So many times, in moments of dispair, I have blogged revelations or listed events of my life and the overwhelming love and support of fellow bloggers has been amazing. I can not express in words the gratitude that I feel for each and every one of you. Your prayers have helped carry me through many dark tunnels.

Today, I hope you will join me in praise and thanksgiving. As I opened the curtains, made my morning pot of coffee, and sat down to blog, the following scripture came to me.

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

This scripture is a promise...His promise to me! As I have mentioned before, I have been in a period of mourning. It has been a long arduous and lonely journey, Today, that chapter in my life has been closed. Halleujah!

Update

I know I have been absent from Bloggerville for quite some time and I certainly appreciate the concern and love shown by those of you who stop by or email me.

I am still in a deep depression and feel overwhelmed by the simplest of things. It seems that doing anything is too difficult. I frustrate easily and simply stop attempting what I am working on. I find joy in nothing any more.

I wake up, get up, fidget and fiddle, and wait for bedtime. Please pray for me as I seek professional help. Whatever is wrong, I am unable to handle it on my own.

Hugs and gratitude,

Revelations Long Forgotten

Do you ever sit back and look at the ways in which God has answered your prayers? The Bible clearly warns informs us that His thoughts are higher than ours and that His ways are not like ours. It also shows us that He does, in fact, have a wonderful sence of humor.

This last month or so, I have been searching for His face, asking Him for wisdom, understanding, and protection...all things He promises are ours for the asking. I have also been thanking Him for His grace that has carried me through out my own life and His mercies which are thankfully new every morning.

I need to know what makes me tick...why I do some of the seemingly odd things that I do, why I don't do some seemingly normal things, and why, at the age of 48 I do not have my life together in a way that is satisfactory for me.

Many times I have shared the things I have done, the things that have been done to me, and even things I hope will happen. Confession is good for the soul. I need to take responsibilty and face head on those things I have done...knowingly or not. I also need to apologize to those whose lives I have affected. I also need to get the horrible things that have happened to me out in the open where I can effectively deal with them and put them behind me. As for the things I hope will happen in my life I need to make them happen by loving myself and taking charge of my future.

During this time, I have stumbled upon many revelations long forgotten....those things that I have known, but let slip away. I have never been one for trite sayings, but the older I get the more I see and maybe more importantly, appreciate the wisdom in many of them.

Some years ago, there was a prophecy given to me at church. It went like this:

Everything that was stolen will be restored unto you. You have held on for a long time when everyone around you said, 'Give it up; let it go; be done with it.' Sister, you have been through some things. I see you with your children and you wonder, 'How could it have come to this?' Everything that was stolen from you will be restored. And the one that hurt you most will love you most.

At the time the prophecy was given, I was in an abusive marriage and I assumed the one who hurt me most was my husband. That was not the case. I considered it was my either one or both of my parents. They both died without any major changes in our relationships. Then I assumed it was the man I carried a silent torch for in my heart for over 20 years. That was not the case either. One by one my assumptions were eliminated.

Elimination left only one option. Me! I am here today dancing giddily in my spirit and thrilled to tell you, that is such good news. That revelation has freed me in the most amazing ways. No longer am I looking outside of myself for love, acceptance, validation, or vindication. I prayed a prayer that I would learn to see myself as God Himself sees me and that I would love myself as He does. I am currently living the fulfillment of that prophesy and enjoying getting to know myself as my Father does. GOD IS GOOD!!!!!

Another day in paradise?

I apologize for having been offline for so long...I am so locked in my head and quite stuck. This post is an attempt to touch base with you and hopefully gain some insight to what is going on with myself.

Cycles...now there is a word for you. I am looking back at my life and I see cycles...lots and lots of cycles. I learned them from my mom and then apparently contiued them into my own life. Would she be happy or proud? I don't think so.

My folks did this dance. Things would go well for a while...when they started falling apart, Dad would get drunk. Mom would get sick of the drinking and eventually would pack us and our necessities and move us somewhere to start over. Dad would straighten up and back home we would go. When the family was together, I was just one of the kids. When the family split, I was the other parent.

My father had no clue as to what you do with a wife and kids other than you work to provide for them. He also knew we were a resource for getting work done. Other than that, the poor man was clueless. Because he was different than his dad and brother, they abused him.

My mother was one of 12 kids in a very poor family. Her father worked out of town all week and came home on the weekends. He had a woman in the other town and my moms mother had suitors of her own. He fathered a daughter in his other family, she gave birth to a son from her boyfriend.

My own mother learned how to play the victim role and she did so valiently. When she would leave my father, friends of the family would give her money so we could get set up and start life over. My father's behavior was socially unacceptable; my mother's was not.

My first attempt at escaping this insanity was at the age of 18. I moved to South Carolina to live with a friend and her new hubby. While there, I was raped by her new brother-in-law.

My next attempt was to get married at the age of 19. I married a fellow from the northern end of our county. The morning after our wedding I woke to find him sobbing in the bed next to me. Eighteen months later, I ran off to live with a friend in another state. The final upshot of the years spent in Virginia is that I returned home pregnant to my mother's at the age of 24.

She had contacted me in Virginia on a Wednesday and said she and the boys would be moving to Va. on Friday and told me to get us an apartment. I agreed with two stipulations. I wanted my own bedroom and I was keeping my cat. Although she hated cats, she agreed. I borrowed money from my boss and by Friday I had a three bedroom apartment ready for her and three of my brothers. The eldest boy had escaped to the army at the age of 17.

I began working three jobs for a total of eighty hours a week to support my family. One day I came home to find that my cat was gone. My mother had asked the manager's son-in-law to "take her to the local animal shelter". A few weeks later, I saw my cat at the pool of the complex. She was so skittish that I could not get close enough to catch her.

Soon after, I mananged to end up with 48 hours off from all three jobs at the same time. I slept the entire time and when I woke up, I called and quit my two part time jobs.

Shortly thereafter, I came home from work to find many able bodied young men carrying my belongings down the sidewalk. I stopped one and asked what they were doing. My mother had decided we were moving to a smaller place because we could no longer afford three bedrooms. I turned on my heels, went to the store, bought a six-pack of beer and then located my swimming suit. Without speaking to my mother, I went to the pool and shared my beer with some friends.

Not surprisingly, my mother and I would now share a bedroom. She and the manager had become great friends and the woman did whatever my mom wanted.

A few months later, after my long day at work, I went home to the apartment where I was now sharing a bedroom with my mother. I opened the door and was greeted by a growling rotweiler. The manager, who lived across the hall came out and informed me that my mother had gone back to Ohio and I would be staying with her and her husband until I got back on my feet. Her daughter and son-in-law now lived my my apartment. Oh, and would I please not forget to send my mom some money on paydays as she now was the sole support for my brothers.

I remember going to bed that night in shock. Close to payday I got a letter from my mother. In it she detailed how hard and horrible life was for her and the boys and would I please send money. I did. I sent her $150.00 every pay day for as long as I could. As long as I sent money, my mother wrote to me. When the money stopped so did the letters.

Being young, beautiful, and naive I was in a few relationships during this time. The first was with a great man who had racial issues. As a young black man, he had always been attracted to white women. His mother never approved. Eventually, it became clear our relationship, despite our deep feelings for each other would never progress to the next level. As difficult as it was, I moved on and eventually landed in the arms of a married man.

I basically managed to jump from the frying pan into the fire. The married man fathered my daughter. Pregnancy changed everything. I went from being a carefree foolish child in a woman's body to a ferocious beast who only cared to protect the life growing inside of her. When I found out I was pregnant, I had just started seeing another man and he assumed he was the babies father. No one ever said differently. I did not love this man, I had given in him to his pestering me for a date in the hopes of getting him to leave me alone. I learned later that he had, in fact, confronted my married lover and told him that he would take me from him. He didn't want me, I was merely a conquest.

I loved being pregnant...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. My life had purpose and I felt sexy, alive, needed. Pregnancy was wonderful, but my life was in shambles. I moved home to my mother's. She had finally divorced my father and was engaged to be married two weeks before the baby was due.

My babies, starting with the first one, were not the type to show up on schedule. My mother was to be married at 2p.m. and my mucous plug came out at 1:50 p.m. Since I had invested most of my child support in making their wedding wonderful, I did not tell mom or her intended.

Since I had thrown quite the fit upon learning that my mother had asked her baby brother's wife to be her maid-of-honor, I was able to stand up with the wedding party for the wedding. My stomach went from jello to concrete for the entire ceremony.

At the reception, my brother and I conspired with my aunt and uncle to be certain I would have transportation to the hospital when the time came. They let the newleyweds take their spare car to the hotel where I had rented them a room for the honeymoon. They came home the next afternoon to a note that read, "Gone to the hospital. See you there."

A month earlier, my mother had hosted a baby shower for me at my cousin's home. It was wonderful and I recieved many wonderful gifts for the baby. Although I had never made it a secret that my baby's father was a black man, some of my aunts had apparently not been told. The day my baby girl was born, some of my shower attendees went to my cousin's home and took their gifts back.

So what's been going on with me?

I am in one of those churn-n-burn phases that I often go through. Lots and lots of things going on inside of me and around me. Accepting things I can not change is a tough thing for me sometimes even though I know there is such freedom at the other side of the acceptance. I often go through the stages of grief in these situations depending on, of course, the magnitude of it all.

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I discovered her and her works at the age of 16 when I was forced to cope with the death of my grandfather. Even though she applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss, any significant personal change can elicit these stages.

I found liberty to allow myself to experience the stages and ultimately healing in reference to the loss of my grandfather. I have utilized my knowledge of the stages many many times since. It is said that the only constant is change. I have found that to ring true in my own life and the lives of my loved ones. There is comfort in knowing what to expect in the grieving process.

I often grieve the loss of expectations or dreams. Reality is often a hard pill to swallow. So in repsonse to "so, what's been going on with me is? is simply this: I am grieving the loss of a handful of expectations and dreams right now. I am in the depression stage. I look forward to reaching acceptance where I will finally have peace.

Jesus,

There seems to be much in my life lately that I cannot control. I am glad that I know You, Who controls it all. I need You. I need You more and more with each passing day. Please help me transition through all the upcoming changes. Please help me keep my eyes on You, the Author and Perfector of my faith-the One Who is and Who was and Who is to come. Jesus, my Rock, my Fortress, my Savior, my Healer, my Righteousness, my Provider. My life is in You. This is but another humbling experience to draw me closer to You. And I welcome anything that does that. I know You will be with me through it every step of the way. Amen.

This prayer came from here. Please take some time and do yourself a favor. Go visit this blog. She is so real, so open, so honest. I find inspiration to keep on keeping on almost everytime I visit. I thank God for putting her in my path, a fellow female traveler on the same journey.

Meme Monday #9

FOR THE WEEK OF: 5/25 to 6/1/2008

The names of the individual memes are linked to their home-blog. I would love it if you checked them out and even decided to join one or a dozen! If you do, lemme know:).

MONDAY:

Meme Monday

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TUESDAY:

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WEDNESDAY:

Word Filled Wednesday.

Thank you, Mariposa, for introducing me to WFW!







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Wordless Wednesday.



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THURSDAY:

Thankful Thursday.

It's been a rough week. SSI denied my claim. I was so upset. The claim has been pending since October of 2007 and I got the denial letter this week. I had to regroup and remember that my God meets all of my needs according to His riches in glory. Not once in all the years I have lived has He ever let me go without my needs met. I choose to trust Him in this situation and not get stressed out over it. I am getting a lawyer and I figure the longer it takes them to send me my first check, the bigger it will be.

So many times over the years, God has supplied over and abundantly for me. I am so blessed that He does so.

Taking this week off of T-13!
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SATURDAY:

Share A Site SaturdaY.

I host this one so my post for this week is here!
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SUNDAY:

Blog Your Blessings.



Today is Navy Man's 19th Birthday! Even though he is in New Orleans, and I sure do miss him, I am blessed that God chose me to be his mother!

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Blog Your Blessings Meme...Vol. 1

Blog Your Blessings



I am loving this meme~ You know me...any excuse to talk about how wonderful God is! I am blessed in so many ways! Let me count them...

1. Despite my forgetting Him, my Heavenly Father, never forgets me.
2. Despite some aggravating inconsistencies, my health is good.
3. My children are healthy enough to get on my nerves...lol.
4. I have a house in a great neighborhood...and today there is sunshine:).
5. It was important to me to not have to move my kids all over the place and we have been in this house for 17 years now.
6. My God provides for all of my needs and most of my wants.
7. I have lots of nieces and nephews who love me.
8. I am happily dancing my way to Divorce Court.
9. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.~
10. I have met many wonderful friends through blogging.
11. I have a creative mind and spirit and derive great joy from using them.

Handwriting Analysis

You know me...always doing something to gain more insight into who I am and what makes me tick! I took the free handwriting analysis and these are my results:

Phyllis is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Phyllis will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Phyllis an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Phyllis is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Phyllis is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Phyllis doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Phyllis will demand respect and will expect others to treat her with honor and dignity. Phyllis believes in her ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. She has a lot of pride.

Phyllis is secretive. She has secrets which she does not wish to share with others. She intentionally conceals things about herself. She has a private side that she intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in her past.

Phyllis is a cumulative and procedural thinker. She likes to have all the facts before making a decision. She thinks or creates much like a brick mason, stacking fact upon fact. Her thought pattern or the conclusion will not be complete until the last fact is in place. Like that brick wall, Phyllis learns faster through visual demonstration than through quick verbal instructions. Once she has learned new material, and understood it, she won't forget.

Phyllis is a methodical thinker, therefore she is able to build things and come up with new ideas. In an argument, she often loses to rapid thinking people because she is thinking thirty minutes later about what she should have said. These people often are very booksmart, but can be out-gunned in a rapid fire verbal debate.

She may learn new ideas at a slower pace than other "less detailed" people, but once she gets it, she can handle repetition. Some people hate jobs with too much repetition, she can handle it better than most.

Phyllis is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Phyllis basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Phyllis has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

My thoughts on the analysis: I used to be secretive about certain parts of my past but when you are writing a book about the steamiest years of your life there are no secrets. Also, I do not agree with the repetition on the job thing...I think I would be bored to death. Oh...and the part about not being quick with retorts in debates...ummm....well, just ask anyone who knows me whether or not I am a bonafide smart-@$$. It did, however, take me a few years to hone this skill:). ROTF...Otherwise, I agree with the rest of the report!


If you do the handwriting analysis, or have done it, leave the link to your post in the Mr. Linky. I wanna read your results!

Weird mood...imagine that~

Having spent the night tossing, turning, and drowning in hot flashes I find I am in a weird mood today. These hormones are making me absolutely crazy. The NASCAR Race in my mind has slowed down some and for that I am grateful. I hate it when my mind races uncontrollably.

And...hot flashes? Are you kidding me? I haven't had the sheer pleasure(note sarcasm) of these suckers in quite some time and I am not having pleasure now. Top them off with nausea and you can see that it is quite the struggle to be in a chipper mood.

I am slowly but steadily making progress in the wreck that is my sewing/dining room. It looks like a disaster of epic proportions happened in there. Whew~ I am also doing some rearranging as my current system is obviously not working for me. I got some kewl things to reconstruct and instead of leaving them lying around, I have turned my downstairs closet into the Recon Closet. While all of the recon stuff is now nicely hanging in it's new home, I gotta move stuff to another spot. It never ends...lol.

I got an awesome enbroidered jean jacket that will make a darling purse, a huge man's button down shirt that will make a cute puffy-sleeved top for me, a pair of awesome black linen pants that are embroidered with cute flowers...not sure about them as I may just wear them before reconning them. There is a gorgeous green reversible jacket that is quilted and is fated to become the cutest & easiest tote bag of all times plus the mumu that will be a cute peasant top with the addition of some elastic and the removal of feet of fabric from the bottom. I may make a skirt from the bottom.

I also got me an adorable vintage skirt and a pair of vintage capris that I will definately be sporting this summer:). I love the bold fabrics and the zippers on the old stuff. I am trying to break out of the 'fashion'(or lack of fashion) rut I am in. Due to my size, I tend to dress rather plainly and well, it is so boring...lol.

I went shopping and found a pattern for a house/sun dress and one of the options is for a halter top on it. I am making that out of some pale blue fabric that is covered with white polka dots. I figure if I don't get the gumption to wear it out of the house, it will work for running around inside. I do love polka dots...and my Beloved will love it:). I also got more orange fabric...for some reason this year I am crazy about orange. I made a housedress out of some 'Finding Nemo' fabric and managed to cut the front too short...ugh~ So...I made an orange ruffle and put it on the bottom front and it is toooo cute. I swear I am gonna make a pair of orange jammie bottoms and put a ruffle at the bottom of them. Please note that any attempt on my part to go out in public in that get-up will be thwarted by my occasionally anally retentive children. I can just see me sneaking out...and giggling the whole time!

My Navy Man flew to Chicago yesterday to meet his fiance'. They are driving her car back to New Orleans and she will be staying in the hotel on base for 2 or 3 weeks! I will be surprised if she goes home before August 16th. They moved the wedding date up till then. This way she gets a happy medium between the wedding of every little girls dream and a quick to-do at the courthouse. I am thrilled they are getting married close to my house so I can be there~ And, yes, I will be making a dress for the wedding:). I am thinking something fun & flirty in a turquoise with white polka dots all over it...and turquoise shoes...cute ones!

I am hoping to squeeze in at least a one-week vacation to New Orleans between Heather's going home and my Beloved's visit here. I wanna go hang out with my Navy Man and will be sewing while he is at work. I am quite certain there are fabric shops in New Orleans:). When I told my Beloved about my plans, he began suggesting that I just go walking around base and informed me that surely I would meet new people. He stopped in mid-sentence. "Why am I telling you this? Stay in your room!" Gotta love a little jealousy. From a man whom I absolutely adore no less:).

I am also hoping that my Beloved is still here when the wedding rolls around. He has already promised to dance with me!

One Word...from Jay~

One word only!!

Not as easy as you might think. Now copy, forward, or post this and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? .............. table

2. Your significant other?.......................Jeffrey

3. Your hair? ............................................greying

4. Your mother? ......................................deceased

5. Your father?..........................................same

6. Your favorite thing?.............................fabric

7. Your dream last night?......................none

8. Your favorite drink? ............................coffee

9. Your dream/goal?................................healthy

10. The room you're in?..........................living

11. Your ex?...............................................GONE:)

12. Your fear?............................................none

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?........Jeffrey

14. Where were you last night?..............here

15. What you're not?................................mean

16. Muffins?...............................................yummy

17. One of your wish list items?.............car

18. Where you grew up?..........................Maryland

19. The last thing you did?.......................rode

20. What are you wearing?......................clothing

21. Your TV?..............................................none

22. Your pets?............................................zero

23. Your computer? .................................ok

24. Your life?.............................................Jeffrey

25. Your mood?........................................giggly

26. Missing someone?............................Jeffrey

27. Your car?..............................................almost

28. Something you're not wearing?.......diamonds

29. Favorite Store?....................................Wal-Mart

30. Your summer?....................................humid:(

31. Like(love) someone?...................................Jeffrey

32. Your favorite color?............................ Red

33. Last time you laughed?.....................today

34. Last time you cried?...........................Tuesday

35. Who will re-post this?........................Betty:).

Meme Monday #7

Wanna join in the fun? Click the graphic!


FOR THE WEEK : 05/12 to 05/18.

The names of the individual memes are linked to their home-blog. I would love it if you checked them out and even decided to join one or a dozen! If you do, lemme know:).

MONDAY:
Monday Meanderings:
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TUESDAY:
*********************
WEDNESDAY:
Wordless Wednesday.
Ladybug Love by Blank Quilting:





Play by Windham Fabrics:


GP...this post is for you:).
*********************





THURSDAY:


I just had to use the TT graphic...I love polka dots:).



MyThursday Thirteen brought to you by the letter:

So have you ever 'gotten off track' and didn't even know it??? Wow~ Last week I skipped the letter G to do the letter J cos I wanted to write about my Beloved. So, I went to get the partially completed G post only to find out it was the letter H. So...the letter G will be coming to a blog near you....and Hopefully next week!

1. My favorite H-word is Happy. I am a content person most of the time and if you wanna see me when I am Happy be here my baby calls me:).
2. My apppetite is poor at best, so when I do actually get Hungry it makes me Happy.
3. "Hallelujah!" 'Nuff said.
4. I can not take the Heat and Humidity, so I now have central air conditioning. A/C makes me Happy:).
5. Housekeeping is not my idea of fun...ok, I should say house cleaning...I love the administrative part of keeping House.
6. I love learning How to do new things. Learning keeps my brain from being rusty and keeps my Hands busy.
7. I also love Helping others learn new things.
8. I Hate very few things.
9. God makes sure that I Have everything I need and most of the things I want.
10. I HAD a wonderful Mother's Day.
11. I Have to Have a D&C next Wednesday...I would appreciate your prayers.
12. I love Hanging stuff on the walls of my House.
13. Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs!


*********************
FRIDAY:
Fridays Feast:
Appetizer
What is the nearest big city to your home?
Cleveland,OH, is the nearest big city to my home. I rarely go there.

Soup
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how well do you keep secrets?
I get a 10 on this one. I value trust highly in any relationship.

Salad
Describe your hair (color, texture, length).
My hair is greying, fine, and barely long enough to put in a short pony tail. It is also naturally curly, and I love that. Just the other day, I asked my daughter if my hair was 50% grey yet...she paused and asked, "Is this where I am supposed to lie to you?"

Main Course
What kind of driver are you? Courteous? Aggressive? Slow?
I am an extremely courteous driver. You never know what is on the other driver's mind and I try to be understanding and courteous at all times. One time, I was having an absolutely horrid day and ended up going the wrong way in the McDonald's parking lot...with all 4 of my kids in the car. They were still pretty young at the time. Well, the fellow who just so happened to be going the right way called me everything but a child of God. I screamed, "God loves you!" back at the man. My Navy Man, who at the time was like 8 or 9, still chuckles about that to this day.

Dessert
When was the last time you had a really bad week?
Due to Arthritis, Fibro and hormonal issues, I have bad weeks frequently. The knowledge that there is a good week on the horizon keeps me going.

*********************
SATURDAY:
Share A Site SaturdaY: I host this one so my post for this week is here.
*********************
SUNDAY:

Blog Your Blessings
I have been trying different memes since I started blogging. Some are a one-time-deal others are weekly. Since gratitude has been such an amazing force in my life, today I am participating in Blog Your Blessings. Here goes...

God is so good...all the time. I am blessed that He is the One Constant in my life regardless of what mess it is in at the moment. I am blessed that even though I do battle some health issues, I am basically healthy. I am blessed with four wonderful bio-kids and a bunch of heart-adopted ones...and they all love me! I am blessed that God sent Mo along to save me and just in the nick-of-time. I am blessed that my Navy Man is getting married in August to a wonderful young woman. I am blessed that another one of my kids is getting married this summer, also...but we are not telling any juicy details as of yet. I am blessed to not only be in touch with the love-of-my-life but he calls me every day and makes me smile. And...last, but not least, right this very moment I am blessed because the sun just poked out from behind the clouds!

***
Unconscious Mutterings

1. Concentration :: Difficult


2. Relocated :: moved


3. Clot :: blood


4. Joints :: Arthritis


5. Satellite :: moom


6. Money back :: yippee~


7. Kittens :: awwww


8. Shady :: tree


9. Drain :: exhaustion


10. Stroke :: six

*********************

He would have been 39 today~

Today would have been my brother, Donnie's, 39th birthday. The following is a journal entry that I made on the ninth anniversary of his death. I still miss him but have come to know that he is in a better place and appreciate that all things Do work together for good to them that love The Lord. There is a peace deep inside of me that I never had. This can be a sad read, so do not feel obligated to read it.

Much love and many hugs....Phyl

*****

Tribute to Donnie(my brother who died in 1992)
Today, July 19, 2001, at precisely 3:19 p.m. I held in my arms a tiny male infant, only 2 months old. The time is important because at that very moment my brother, Donnie, had been dead 9 years.

Irony? I think not. Rather I think it quite fitting that I would be quietly celebrating life and all of its miracles as that dreaded time rolled around. Time unfortunately,or is it fortunately, stops for no one.

Although I know Donnie is in a much better place, I find I still miss him. What I would give to feel his arms wrapped around me in a hug!

I have allowed myself permission to mourn...miss him. I allow myself the pain....sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, some times it sneaks me, sometimes I know it is coming.

Never once in the 32 years prior to Donnie's dying did I ever consider that I would live life minus a sibling. Not once did it occur to me what it must be like to bury someone birthed from the same womb, raised in the same house, as I was.

I do know that once faced with that horrid reality, I thought I would never draw another pain-free breath in this life time...I was convinced I would never live another "normal" day. Everyday life without Donnie in it just didn't seem a realistic possibility.

I hurt, I ached, I cried. Due to the nature of the wreck...it was on a motorcycle...his body was in such shape that it would have been easy for me to deny that it was in fact Donnie's. Somehow, though, even in the deep dispairs of my grief I KNEW that I had to find him in there. I knew the importance of my own healing and that healing began with acceptance of the most horrendous fact imaginable to me at that time.

Could I do it? Could I find my Donnie in that swollen excuse for a corpse? If so, then could I forgive God for taking him and Donnie for allowing himself to die? Could I work through this pain to any sense of healing? When I had originally heard the news my heart literally ripped...I screamed from the torturous pain. Could anything hurt this bad? Why my 23 year old brother? I reminded God of the fact that Daddy was older and that he would not be missed nearly as bad as Donnie...and then asked him why he let my Dad be here this long anyway. Why didn't he take Dad and leave Donnie here?

The next few days were a blur for a long time. I counted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, then years...all relevant to the time and date that Donnie had left this planet. I thought time would never again not be related to that one event in my life.

I remember going to Mom's for 2 weeks afterwards and lying on her couch looking up at the pictures of all of us kids. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing as my Mom held me. I recognized the hand in the picture as the same one in that damned casket.

Later, Alan told me that the undertaker had shared concern that they would not be able to have any of Donnie's body out from under the cover, as he had suffered terrible road rash. Alan explained to him that having his hand and arm out were mandatory to those of us left behind. Our family has always been and will always be a great bunch of huggers...the guys always did the manly thing and shook hands before hugging. Sure enough with the help of the undertaker and a long sleeved white shirt, we were able to clutch Donnie's hand one final time.

I remember frantically-almost maniacally-searching through hundreds of photographs until I found one of just Donnie and I together. Try as I did, I couldn't remember his face before the wreck, couldn't feel his arms wrapped around me, couldn't see his smile, or hear his voice. I HAD to know that he HAD been and that he loved me. I found a picture finally-one of him with his arms wrapped around me-baby and all. He and I were giggling. It was wonderful to see...somehow soothing my ravaged heart.

I was so mad...angry that my brother had died, angry that Alan had had to identify his body, angry that we lost Donnie, angry that it hurt so deeply...I even considered that Donnie had committed suicide. I was just good and ole mad!

Fearing that I would never function again, I sought counseling through my church. I know that nothing short of God's love, comfort, grace and mercy that pulled me through that time. I also learned that while screaming,"Why?!?!?!?!?", at the heavens may be therapeutic, there isn't always an answer.

As the old adage goes--time heals all wounds. Lord knows, how I hated all of those polite, trite sayings that folks would spit out when they could think of nothing else to say instead of just sitting in the uncomfortable-ness with me. I can only hope that I was not rude. Thing is...no one could comfort me. I cried when I needed to cry, bitched when I needed to bitch, felt sorry for myself when I needed to, and screamed when I needed to scream. I also prayed constantly. I knew that I had to work through this. I do so appreciate those patient people who allowed me to share my pain with them...and those who carried it for me when it was too much to bear. I talked and talked and talked about Donnie...the gory details of the wreck, how horrendous his body looked, and constantly recounted as it came back to me the awful details of that horrible week.

By the time the third anniversary (is there an appropriate word???) rolled around, I noticed some healing. I was crying less often and for shorter periods of time. I was able to recall with a smile or giggle some of the times Donnie and I had shared. I could see his face, feel his hug, hear his voice. I knew I was getting better.

Today, as I write this, it has been 9 years...I don't know how many months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes. I have "normal" days....)whatever that is:)! I got to the point during that 3rd year, where I gave myself permission to not be miserable, to forgive God and Donnie, and to not feel quilty because I was still alive.

Even though my heart will never totally heal, it is now capable of having "Donnie" moments without ripping further and with time and age I have concluded that all is as it should be.

Our Mom never recovered from losing Donnie; it was not possible to focus on her "4 living children". She simply could not accept that Donnie was no longer here. Three years ago, she too left this planet. As I held her hand and she drew her final breath, I released her to go to Donnie. I miss her...but I know that she, too, is in a better place, at peace and whole again. What more could I wish for loved ones?

Within the first week of losing Donnie, everyone of of his siblings and our Mom heard this song-at separate times-and all of us immediately thought of him.

Jesus And Mom Will Always Love Me

Made a wish upon a star:
I could have a brand new car
Got tired of wishing, so
I stole one.
Twenty-three* and knew it all
My dreams were big but, my thoughts were small.
So many roads,
somehow, I chose the wrong one.

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

I felt trapped most all my life
found new kinds of lows and highs
Never been a husband,
but I've had a lot of wives to hold me.
Headstrong, stubborn,
couldn't be told
like a wild horse that couldn't be rode...
a rainbow chaser hungry for gold
and still searching.

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

I wish Mom could see me now,
how I've turned it all around...
lately I've been going down the right road.
Like a picture that you paint
with blues and grays and cans of paint.
Heaven knows,
I'm not a saint but I know...

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

Note:
The song is by "Confederate Railroad" and it reminds all of us of Donnie.
*I took the liberty of changing "17" to "23".

I got tagged by Mike!

My dear buddy, Mike, tagged me for this meme. Thanx, Mike! Here are the rules of the game (post these first).

1)Each players answers questions about themselves.

2) At the end of the posting tag 5-6 people.

3) Post their names and then go to their site leave a comment telling them that they have been Tagged. Then ask them to read your blog.

4) Let the person who tagged you that you have completed your posting.

LET THE FUN BEGIN!!

WHAT WAS I DOING 10 YEARS AGO: Same thing I am doing today...trying to take over the world! Ok, on a more practical level: Ten years ago in February, my Mom passed away, so I was grieving that loss. My kids were 14, 13, 9, and 8. I was swamped in female teenage hormones and two fellas who were in a hurry to be men...so I was dreaming of the time when all that would slow to a dull roar. I am proud to say, "I survived!" I was also looking forward to the next decade because I knew my forties would be easier than my thirties had been.

WHAT ARE THE 5 THINGS ON MY "TO DO" LIST:

Literally on a to-do list:
1) Finish Happy Hour Quilt
2) Finish a bag I started
3) Do PIFers' gifts
4) Find 3 quilt tops I have made plus a pattern I know I have
5) Have "family meeting" today

On an inner-personal level:
1) Spend more time praying
2) Organize fabric....the clutter gets to me-emotionally
3) Complete to-do list to eliminate stress
4) Start walking daily
5) Take yoga and belly-dancing classes for the fun of it

3) SNACKS THAT I ENJOY: CHOCOLATE, homemade sugar cookies, pretzels, peanuts

4) THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A BILLIONAIRE: I would give 10% off the top to a ministry or cause I believe in, loan money on KIVA, buy myself a brand-spanking-new hot little red sports car, invest, travel our great country and then Europe leisurely with my honey and maybe buy a villa in Tuscany, pay off my debt(which is small)and my honeys, too, buy each of my kids a good used car(they have to be able to afford insurance), put money in a trust fund for each of them that they would begin receiving upon college graduation & securing gainful employment(gotta motivate them somehow), and put a large down payment on the home of my dreams in the location of my dreams. The money for my villa, home, and car payments would be in an interest bearing account with automated payments:). I may also hire a personal trainer/nutritonalist/cook...or at least a personal assistant. I would do positive things for mine and my honey's health. I would purchase the farm that my Grandfather poured his blood, sweat, and tears into and restore it to it's former glory...all the way down to the old swing on the porch! Oh, and I would go shopping for Flip-Flops:).

5) PLACES WHERE I HAVE LIVED: Born in Cleveland, OH, lived in Fairmont, WVa, moved to Oakland, MD. Also lived in Deer Park and Friendsville, MD. Then Neeces, SC. Onto Williamsburg, Newport News, Yorktown, and Jamestown, Va. Finally, back to Northeast Ohio. Been in the same house for 17 years now:).

6) BAD HABITS THAT I HAVE: Cigarettes, caffeine, not drinking enough water, not doing some housework daily and letting it pile up, not staying on my kids' hineys to motivate them, and last but not least: saying Yes when I should say No.

7) JOBS THAT I HAVE HAD: Waitress, hostess, nail tech, homeless shelter manager(twice), fast food manager...Mother:). Definately the last one has the best perks.

Now for the tagging: Betty, Joyce, SAO, Nicole, and Storm.

If you do this meme, sign the Mr. Linky and get yourself some Linky Love!

Prelude

Something amazing has happened in my life. I am in love...real honest to God absolute head-over-heels in love. Aside from the usual joys of being in love, this new state of being has given me many gifts, inner gifts of discovery about who I am, what I want and need in my life, what I am willing or not to sacrifice, and what makes me tick.

It is almost sad to tell, but I was with the same man for almost 20 years, and despite our valiant efforts it never flowed between us. One of us would be on the other off. If I was up he was down. While I hold to the "opposites attract" theory to some extent when it comes to my life partner, there needs to be some major similarities between he and I. For 20 years, that man asked me why I loved him...my pat(and rather lame) reason was to smile coyly and say, "Because you are you!" This answer never satisified him and now I understand why. The fact is that I did not love him. There was no underlying respect or appreciation to that relationship and a woman must respect and appreciate her man. For me, any feelings before or without that are (quite sadly) merely infatuation and lust. I freely admit to having had both feelings for him but what I felt is not love. We got married and had children and then struggled diligently to "make it work." It did not. Two years ago I realized that, if after 18 years we could still not get it right, it was time to move on.

When I was 23 I met a man and fell into lust & infatuation fast and hard. He was gorgeous, passionate, and very married. The fact that he was totally enamored with me didn't hurt my feelings one bit. I was young, beautiful, and very naive. The fact that I was totally enamored with him didn't hurt his feelings one bit either. What a lethal combination that was. We began seeing one another and the attraction became bigger than the both of us until that fateful Sunday when we made love. It was so overwhelming that we both cried.

Our connection was so strong that I could call his name out loud and he would go to the phone and call me to see what I wanted. The stories I could tell you would send chills up and down your spine and put goose-pimples on your goose-pimples. The chemistry was over-whelming for both of us. We could not be in the same room and not touch. It was the most wonderfully hellish-heaven one could imagine. He was my everything. Then it happened; I got pregnant.

The miracle of conception changed me from a young, crazy, and wild woman who was content to be with her married lover when he could get away to a woman who was now going to be soley responsible for a new life. I could not raise my child as the product of an ill-fated love affair nor could I remain a mistress any longer. The life that grew inside of me gave me the strength and courage to do the most difficult thing I have ever done barring nothing before or since. I left the state of Virginia, went home to my family, and began life anew.

I went back to Virginia for a while, and even spent time with my beloved but it was never the same. To be perfectly honest, when I got pregnant again, I was not sure if the baby was his or not. I moved back to my family, this time for good.

Life without him was empty, lonely, horrid. I reached into depths of my soul and found strength I never knew was there. I moved on; I perservered; I survived. I raised my daughters with more love than I knew was possible. I also moved into another relationship and had more children. To this day, I regret bringing other lives into my mess but I was simply someone trying to get on with my life and eek out as much happiness as I could. Some where deep in my core I always believed that I would see my beloved again before one of us left this planet and some how I managed to keep him safely and securely tucked into the deepest most inner part of my heart. When I heard him calling out to me through love songs on the radio and the risk of drawing him out into the open became too real, I stopped listening to the radio.

However, every five years give-or-take a day or two, he would come crawling out of there and consume my everything. I could hear him screaming my name. It grew louder by the moment until I would give in and call him on the phone. It was always as if we had never parted and we would always giggle because he had, in fact, been calling my name. These calls proved enough to enable me to once again tuck him safely away and get back to my life.

Two years ago I was at the 18 year mark of my then current marriage and had the epiphany that those 18 years of work had availed us nothing. I initiated a seperation and once again started life anew. I also had the need for closure where my beloved was concerned. Loving him had shadowed my marriage and I do not doubt that it affected my ability to love whole-heartedly the way a committed woman would do. A few months into the seperation, I made a phone call and left a message for my beloved to contact me. Although excited at the prospect of hearing his voice, I knew what I had to do and I was prepared for it. What I was not prepared for was his reaction when he returned my call.

This man was giddy and had a desperation in his voice that I had never heard before. He had been looking for me and his daughter for over a year and had given up hope of ever finding us. My message had proven to be right on time and he was thrilled to be able to talk to me. It was as it always was. We spoke of old times, laughed at the crazy things we had done, compared notes on who had remembered what, and then discussed the current status of each others' lives. I was newly seperated; his wife had passed away suddenly a few years back. I cried because I hurt for him; I cried because I had not been there to soothe his ravaged soul. His time was limited and even though he was currently in a relationship, he asked if he could call me back in a few days. As we had not tended to my business at hand, I agreed.

The next phone call was mind, earth, and life shattering. I picked up the phone, and this is all I heard: "I can't talk long. I just called to tell you that I love you." The phone clicked. No 'bye', no 'later', no explanation. I am not sure how long it was before I was able to draw a normal breath. We spoke occasionally for the next few months but only as friends who cared deeply for one another. Everytime he said my name, it took my breath away. We laughed, we reminisced, then suddenly we began making plans. Everything changed.

From 'back in the day'

I am not sure when I actually started loving the Internet. But I do still remember some things that I loved from the very beginning. Even then I was into networking and joined many things that were the rage at the time. There were virtual quilts, stamps, Puffin Walls, and more. The one site that has remained in my memory as my favorite is Laz's Realm. Imagine my delight when I was able to search and find it this morning! Her site is full of many wonders and, as you can see by the darling graphic above, it is a visual delight! Go check it out; you will be glad you did.

Ok....you caught me...I am stealing content~

The precious oldest 'fruit of my loins' also has a blog. I found this post this morning. I have to share it with you:).

So I have a feeling this is one of those posts I might get into trouble for... That being said, I still feel the need to share this...

My mother is the type of woman who reminds me that we need fulfilment in our daily lives. She is always doing something to make the most out of her clear moments. Truly an inspiration to me even on the days I feel she is a pain in my @$$. She is a kind woman, an 'i don't care what they think' woman, and an all around blast to be around. However as amazing as she is, she is also the kind of woman who just can't seem to pick the right guy. Several of her past relationships seem to end in this amazing sense of emptyness and it's obvious she needs something to soothe this part of her that calls out, "Love me!"

This morning after several days of depression (sorry to put your business out there but this is vital to my point momma) this woman blares some praise and worship music. She is slightly less agitated than I've seen her. Truly healing music.

A couple different songs in particular had several lines that keyed me into this startling revelation I may have been ignoring previously. My mother believes in a religion where God is a loving creature with this amazing power to heal these pains in her heart. "How amazing is Your love?" Answer: The Power to fulfill her need to be loved unfaillingly.

These songs were singing not only to this amazing being but the part in her that needed to believe in this being. Now I am not particularly religious but I do believe in God. These "theories" as they are labeled by people who are not religious or spiritual are simply amazing paths to feeling more at peace. What does it matter what name you give this being? If we saw religion as the beneficial thing it is, could we condemn any religion that starts the belief in something outside of yourself, a deeper sense of oneness with the universe at large? How can that be bad? I saw the benefits of this today.

Now understand i'm not talking about any religion that calls on sacrificing children or killing ones self but I just can't for the life of me see why we can't just view religion as something slightly simpler and good. even if it isn't our exact view point...

Alana: First of all, expressing your honest emotions will never get you in trouble with me, Missy:). Second of all, I love you, too!

I am always touched when I read other people's "take" on me...I find it enlightening. It's all about figuring out who we are and how we feel about it. I am actually happier than I have ever been in my life...contentment is a wonderfully strange thing! God is sooo good!

I am grateful to HIM for giving you to me.

Hugs...