Words to live by...

Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

To pray or not to pray...that is the question.

Ours is not a straight forward path and although we hope to be progressing forward all the while amidst the twists and turns, life is one adventure after the other. While in some of life's transition periods we seems to sail beautifully, there are those that knock us flat and cause us to crawl. It is our determination to never quit that pushes us to make it through whether we find ourselves sailing or crawling.

My recent transitions put me through one of the worst years of my adult life. When things got particularly difficult, I stopped blogging and spent a large part of my time crying out to God. He alone sustains me. It is not that I am without love here on this earth; I am, in fact, quite blessed to be loved by many and blessed to return that love.

One would think that I would have long ago learned to be cautious in my personal prayer life, yet I sometimes forget that when I ask my Lord to do something for me that He definately has wisdom that I do not understand nor appreciate during the times He is working a change in ME. So, he does not change. I do. And, its always a difficult struggle.

My case in point is this: Having come to the realization that when faced with any dilemna my first reaction was to "handle it myself" and I called on Him only after I had struggled and pushed myself to exhaustion,frustration, tears, and even anger-then and only then would I look to the hills from whence my help cometh. I finally became so very tired of this cycle, that I cried out to Him, "Heavenly Father, draw closer to me!"

I also forgot His sence of humor. Reaching out in His infinate love, He allowed many circumstances to arise in my life that gave ME the chance to choose the old methods of coping or a new way-His way. I began calling on Him FIRST! Not only is He the One who saved me from hell, but He is my Savior all day every day. He saves me from every single thing I ask Him to.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into and they are saved.

Those words are His promise to each and everyone of us and He likes it when we remind Him of His promises...that shows we know what they are and Who He Is.

I call on His name, having been made righteous by the blood of Jesus, and tell him what I need to be saved from. That list has ranged from pain to desperation. He saves me from depression, self-pity, fear, anger, frustration, my distorted self-image, my racing mind, bouts of sleeplessness, from lack of anything, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness, old coping mechanisms, and other old self-destructive habits including the need to fix everything for everyone.

What joyous freedom! I have the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about and so few of us ever experience enjoying. Calling on Him first goes against our human nature and everything we are taught by strong, self-sufficient, determined mothers who lack the deep intimate knowledge of Him and Who He is. This is not a condemnation merely my own observation. My own mother died at the tender age of 58, worn out to the point of exhaustion mentally, physically, and spiritually because she didn't know the height, width, and breadth of His love.

Not having a God-like father has cheated many of us of the joy of a man who is safe and simply adores us all the while teaching us of life and God Himself. I have come to know that my parents did the best they could. I hold no anger toward either of them. I also know that I am one of the blessed ones. I got it!

God has wooed me since childhood and while I will pray more cautiously from now on, I will continue to pray. He is the love of my life, the joy of my soul, the creator of all that is good...even when it means He has to allow me to struggle. And for that I find myself grateful to Him.

Open letter to my heart-adopted son...

Hey Baby Boy!

I am glad to hear from you:). I know what it is like to be somewhere where everyone I love is at work and I am at home......sucks big time. I also know you are one tough cookie and will make it through this. Always remember: This, too, shall pass.

Please tell Navy Man that I love and miss him...and Hev-G, too. And, please kiss Layla for me and tell her Mama to send me some photos.

Same ole shit around here...got screwed out of $250.00 on the first...now, imagine that!!!

Fif got her place so I have been going over there to hang out. Ummm....there is this maintenance man there...with eyes I could drown in...rotf.

Lij and Jen went to Homecoming...and looked awesome...they had a wonderful time. He got a job and should start soon. He is the perfect hire for a video store:).

We took Fif out for her birthday and had a great time...now I know why you kids like Lemon Drops. I was all puckered up and said, "Wow! This is delicious!" We drank, we danced, we hugged, and we giggled...all in all, we had a great time.

Alana painted one of the walls in the living room teal and, buddy, its gorgeous. I smile everytime I look at it.

I am okay, so do not panic when you read the next line. Somehow I managed to fall down the stairs yesterday. Even though I landed on my feet, I slammed into the wall at the bottom. It scared me more than anything. I was so shook up, I called Fif and she came to pick me up and we went to her place. How's this for timing? The maintenance guy came over to fix the shower while I was there. I told him we had to stop meeting like that:). Today I am so stiff I look like the Tin Man in dire need of some oil.

I am thrilled to know that you are using the book! You know, Kiddo, God doesn't care how He blesses us and that book is definately a blessing for you. Finding a safe place to go when we need to escape the daily grind is such a fantastic tool for you! Keep me posted on your progress and, please, keep writing to me.

Carry this little tidbit in your pocket and pull it out any time you need some encouragement: I love you very much and I am immensely proud of you!

Love and hugs,

Momma

Epiphany

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

First of all, let me say that I love the word epiphany! I like the way it looks, the way it sounds, I love what it means, and most of all I am thrilled when I experience one.

Some of you have been writing to see if I am okay. Thank you so very much! I am doing well. This is such an introverted time in my life. I have been experiencing many emotions that are new to me some of which are expected and some not so much.

It seems that God has allowed my regular veins of support to be cut-off with the ultimate goal of my having to turn to Him for everything. This time, I can honestly say that I caught on rather quickly:).

I imagine some of what I am going through has to do with my age as I am approaching 49 shortly. With age comes changes in perspective and wisdom. Hopefully, the lessons I have struggled with will now be put behind me and will become issues I no longer have to deal with. Never more than now have I come to realize that while people may fail you or leave you God never will.

She wept...

As a parent, I can assure you that there are few things worse than knowing your child's heart is breaking and that you can do nothing to take away the inevitable pain.

Last night my daughter wept and I held her. I listened and allowed my heart to break also in an effort to shoulder some of her burden. And inwardly, I wept, too.

She asked so many poignant questions...I could offer no answers...only promise that we will get through this together with the strength given to each of us from God Almighty Himself.

I have prayed for my children since I was only ten years old. There were things I did not want them to have to suffer...things that had been horrible for me. I always knew I would be a mother...it was just a matter of when.

In my own self-discovery, I once read a in the book, My Mother, Myself that mothers will often distance themselves from their daughters in an effort to shield themselves from reliving the horrors of their own childhoods. That line put my own mother and my childhood into perspective immediately. It also changed me forever. I chose to be emotionally available to my children. For the most part, I have done so and done well.

I do, however, understand how a mother could be driven to detach from her children...a mother who has not yet healed the gaping wounds left in her soul by the ravages of her own childhood. It is not easy to share the weight of another's burden, but God in His infinate grace and mercy has prepared me for such a time as this.

I have often said that each decision we make causes ripples and affects those around us. The difference in our making a good decision...not a wrong or right one...is our intent. A decision one makes in an effort to better one's own life is a good decision provided that is the true intent. The decision causes change to our loved ones and change is often not an easy thing to do. It causes pain. And pain, well, it hurts.

Even though my heart wants to tuck my baby girl into a blankie and carry her, my head knows this is a part of her journey that she must complete. I also know that I will be there right beside her, along with Our Heavenly Father, to do in the physical realm what He would have me do. I will hold her when she collapses, steady her when she is weak, listen when she needs to talk, and soothe her when she feels she is drowning. Above all, I will laugh when she laughs and weep when she weeps.

I am Momma...hear me roar.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

This morning I woke up to the glorious sun streaming through the windows! Even though I am not what one could call an outside person, there are two things about the outside that I love...sunshine streaming through my windows and fresh air blowing in the breeze. There is something soothing in both.

For some time now I have been locked in a whirlwind of emotions...feelings and realities that demanded attention. I hold fast to the belief that God Himself is in control and knows what is best for me. I do not always understand all that He allows and most times I do not appreciate His ways. Then, every now and then, I catch a glimpse of the big picture. Although my life today is the sum total of all decisions I have made (good, bad, or indifferent), He has always stood by me or carried me. Given my difficult times, I can not imagine a life where I did not have Him to cry out to.

Being a victim of hormonal swings is not now, nor has it ever been, an enjoyable experience. Neither has been my ongoing journey of self-exploration. Add to that chemical depression and bad relationship choices and there you have a good idea of my life since the tender age of ten. Please do not feel sorry for me. This is merely a summary of events that I need to blog.

So many times, in moments of dispair, I have blogged revelations or listed events of my life and the overwhelming love and support of fellow bloggers has been amazing. I can not express in words the gratitude that I feel for each and every one of you. Your prayers have helped carry me through many dark tunnels.

Today, I hope you will join me in praise and thanksgiving. As I opened the curtains, made my morning pot of coffee, and sat down to blog, the following scripture came to me.

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

This scripture is a promise...His promise to me! As I have mentioned before, I have been in a period of mourning. It has been a long arduous and lonely journey, Today, that chapter in my life has been closed. Halleujah!

Update

I know I have been absent from Bloggerville for quite some time and I certainly appreciate the concern and love shown by those of you who stop by or email me.

I am still in a deep depression and feel overwhelmed by the simplest of things. It seems that doing anything is too difficult. I frustrate easily and simply stop attempting what I am working on. I find joy in nothing any more.

I wake up, get up, fidget and fiddle, and wait for bedtime. Please pray for me as I seek professional help. Whatever is wrong, I am unable to handle it on my own.

Hugs and gratitude,

The Wedding Was Wonderful!

Here are a few pics of the wedding. I will post more as they are available!!

The bride & groom:
















Phylicia, Alana, Roger, Jen, Marshall, and me:
















Groom and Chris:






















Best Man, Father of the Groom, Navy Man:

It's Official!

Navy Man and his beloved are getting married this Saturday~

The wedding and reception are at a local vineyard; I think it will be absolutely beautiful.

Navy Man flew in from New Orleans last night and they showed up around midnight and since I didn't expect them till today, I was pleasantly surprised. They are so happy that they glow:). My baby is a grown man...wow!

Of course I have been shopping...lol. I found a gorgeous dress at Kohl's for $20.80 that was originally $54.00, a great pair of shoes at Fashion Bug for $14.00 that were originally more than $24.00(there is an annoying sticker covering the original price), and a purse (that is to die for)for $13.00 that was originally 32.00!

I will take all of the money I saved and invest in WATERPROOF MASCARA!

I will post pics as soon as I have them and then next week I should be able to get back to this blog. Many thanks to all of you who sent warm thoughts and prayers last week. My mouth is healing well. God is good!

Hugs...

Revelations Long Forgotten

Do you ever sit back and look at the ways in which God has answered your prayers? The Bible clearly warns informs us that His thoughts are higher than ours and that His ways are not like ours. It also shows us that He does, in fact, have a wonderful sence of humor.

This last month or so, I have been searching for His face, asking Him for wisdom, understanding, and protection...all things He promises are ours for the asking. I have also been thanking Him for His grace that has carried me through out my own life and His mercies which are thankfully new every morning.

I need to know what makes me tick...why I do some of the seemingly odd things that I do, why I don't do some seemingly normal things, and why, at the age of 48 I do not have my life together in a way that is satisfactory for me.

Many times I have shared the things I have done, the things that have been done to me, and even things I hope will happen. Confession is good for the soul. I need to take responsibilty and face head on those things I have done...knowingly or not. I also need to apologize to those whose lives I have affected. I also need to get the horrible things that have happened to me out in the open where I can effectively deal with them and put them behind me. As for the things I hope will happen in my life I need to make them happen by loving myself and taking charge of my future.

During this time, I have stumbled upon many revelations long forgotten....those things that I have known, but let slip away. I have never been one for trite sayings, but the older I get the more I see and maybe more importantly, appreciate the wisdom in many of them.

Some years ago, there was a prophecy given to me at church. It went like this:

Everything that was stolen will be restored unto you. You have held on for a long time when everyone around you said, 'Give it up; let it go; be done with it.' Sister, you have been through some things. I see you with your children and you wonder, 'How could it have come to this?' Everything that was stolen from you will be restored. And the one that hurt you most will love you most.

At the time the prophecy was given, I was in an abusive marriage and I assumed the one who hurt me most was my husband. That was not the case. I considered it was my either one or both of my parents. They both died without any major changes in our relationships. Then I assumed it was the man I carried a silent torch for in my heart for over 20 years. That was not the case either. One by one my assumptions were eliminated.

Elimination left only one option. Me! I am here today dancing giddily in my spirit and thrilled to tell you, that is such good news. That revelation has freed me in the most amazing ways. No longer am I looking outside of myself for love, acceptance, validation, or vindication. I prayed a prayer that I would learn to see myself as God Himself sees me and that I would love myself as He does. I am currently living the fulfillment of that prophesy and enjoying getting to know myself as my Father does. GOD IS GOOD!!!!!

Meme Monday #10

FOR THE WEEK OF:

The names of the individual memes are linked to their home-blog. I would love it if you checked them out and even decided to join one or a dozen! If you do, lemme know:).

MONDAY:

Meme Monday


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THURSDAY:

Thankful Thursday.





Today I am thankful for:

1. God's mercies, which are new every morning!
2. Breath in my body for another wonderful day:).
3. My Beloved being back in my life after all these years.
4. Cell phones...they make it possible for me to be in touch with my Beloved.
5. Four healthy wonderful children and their signifcant others.
6. A God who meets all of my needs according to His riches is glory.
7. Praise & Worship music that helps me enter in His presence.
8. A home in a wonderful neighborhood.
9. All of the great people I have met via the Internet.
10. Any & all chances to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.

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Thursday 13.


My T_13 brought to you by the letter:


1. I am intelligent.
2. I am intuitive.
3. I am in love~.
4. I am enjoying it immensely:).(I checked the spelling & it's correct, but it looks weird.)
5. I LOVE irony.
6. I have many idiosyncrasies.
7. I have been known to do idiotic things. (I know you are just shocked!)
8. I have bouts of imsomnia.
9. I have never been incarcerated.
10. I am blessed with being insightful. I see passed the behavior to the root of the issue.
11. I fear I will one day cross the abyss into insanity.
12. Ironing is a major part of quilting and sewing.
13. I believe the Bible is the inspired word of God.

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FRIDAY:

Fridays Feast.



Appetizer:
When you drink soda/pop/coke, do you prefer to drink it from the bottle, a can, or after pouring it into a cup?

I LOVE fountain pop...from a cup!

Soup:
What television show are you willing to stay up late to watch?

Law & Order, baby!

Salad:
Name one person, place, or thing you think of as brilliant.

Now, this is one interesting salad! Brilliant? Albert Einstien is who always comes to mind when I hear that word.

Main Course:
Would you be willing to work 4 10-hour days instead of 5 8-hour days in order to save gas?

Absolutely~

Dessert:
If you were a superhero, what would you call yourself?

Mom!
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Blog Your Blessings.



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New Jammies...Forbidden Fruit

My latest fun...Forbidden Fruit...lol. The red part of the top is from a shirt that had...ummm...shall we say, gotten a little snug. I am gonna have the best jammie selection in Ohio at the rate I am going:). Am thinkin I am gonna make some short bottoms...for a change. I also found my "elephant leg" jammie bottom pattern...look out world!

Some of you have emailed in order to check up on me. Overall, life is good. Suffering a few minor finacial set-backs but am trusting my heavenly Father, who has never failed to take care of me. My health insurance got re-instated so I have been going to lots of appointments...both doctor and dentist. Now, we all know I would much rather be at home blogging or sewing, but I do what I gotta do:).

Hugs...and have an absolutely wonderful week~

Meme Monday #9

FOR THE WEEK OF: 5/25 to 6/1/2008

The names of the individual memes are linked to their home-blog. I would love it if you checked them out and even decided to join one or a dozen! If you do, lemme know:).

MONDAY:

Meme Monday

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TUESDAY:

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WEDNESDAY:

Word Filled Wednesday.

Thank you, Mariposa, for introducing me to WFW!







***

Wordless Wednesday.



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THURSDAY:

Thankful Thursday.

It's been a rough week. SSI denied my claim. I was so upset. The claim has been pending since October of 2007 and I got the denial letter this week. I had to regroup and remember that my God meets all of my needs according to His riches in glory. Not once in all the years I have lived has He ever let me go without my needs met. I choose to trust Him in this situation and not get stressed out over it. I am getting a lawyer and I figure the longer it takes them to send me my first check, the bigger it will be.

So many times over the years, God has supplied over and abundantly for me. I am so blessed that He does so.

Taking this week off of T-13!
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SATURDAY:

Share A Site SaturdaY.

I host this one so my post for this week is here!
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SUNDAY:

Blog Your Blessings.



Today is Navy Man's 19th Birthday! Even though he is in New Orleans, and I sure do miss him, I am blessed that God chose me to be his mother!

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Blog Your Blessings Meme...Vol. 1

Blog Your Blessings



I am loving this meme~ You know me...any excuse to talk about how wonderful God is! I am blessed in so many ways! Let me count them...

1. Despite my forgetting Him, my Heavenly Father, never forgets me.
2. Despite some aggravating inconsistencies, my health is good.
3. My children are healthy enough to get on my nerves...lol.
4. I have a house in a great neighborhood...and today there is sunshine:).
5. It was important to me to not have to move my kids all over the place and we have been in this house for 17 years now.
6. My God provides for all of my needs and most of my wants.
7. I have lots of nieces and nephews who love me.
8. I am happily dancing my way to Divorce Court.
9. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.~
10. I have met many wonderful friends through blogging.
11. I have a creative mind and spirit and derive great joy from using them.

Memes-Main

Some time ago I promised to make a post where I could store the graphics, etc., to the memes I frequent. Consider it done:). The name of each meme is linked to it's home-blog:).

MONDAY:

Meme Monday



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Monday Meanderings.











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TUESDAY:

Heads or Tails.


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WEDNESDAY:

Word Filled Wednesday.



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Wordless Wednesday.



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THURSDAY:

Thankful Thursday.




***

Thursday 13.


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FRIDAY:

Fridays Feast.



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SATURDAY:

Share A Site SaturdaY.

I host this one!



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SUNDAY:

Blog Your Blessings.



***

Slice Of Life



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Meme Hugs...

Update and such!

Some of you have noticed that I have not been blogging at my usual rate. I am having some female issues and finally have been able to schedule a D&C for next Wednesday, the 21st.

I am so grateful to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have decided that hormones are no longer my friend and have declared war. I am tired of crying at the drop of a hat and all of the other fun stuff that comes with hormoneal swings.. My poor kids must think I have finally fallen(or jumped) into the abyss of insanity.

I was peri-menopausal at age 42 and that was six years ago...I am done...mentally, emotionally, physically. When this all began, I was put on hormones because I was battling murderous rages on a daily basis. The hormones were absolutely wonderful! I even had normal months...wow!

Unfortunately, they thickened my blood and caused me to have six full-blown strokes in seven days. I have no obvious signs of having had the strokes, but my health has been one battle after the other ever since. Thanks to a merciful God, at least there will be positive changes after next Wednesday:). All prayers appreciated.

On a much brighter note, my azaela bushes are in full bloom and just gorgeous!



Many hugs to you! Have a wonderful weekend~

A tribute to me from my daughter!

I have to share this...I am sitting here flabbergasted, overwhelmed, and grateful for the little critter who first made me a mommy...the original post is at her blog.

Momma-

For your special day I wanted to write you a poem to tell you exactly all the amazing things you've ever done that make me so happy to be your daughter... Unfortunately I'm not as good at it as you'd have me believe. How can i describe 23 years of unquestionable support and love, not to mention still tie in just how amazing you are in general? I can't...

Without you I would not exist. How trite must the words sound when i go on about when you taught me to talk, or walk, or anything... You gave me life woman! You showed me right from wrong, stood by me when there was no-one else, even protected me from myself a time or two. You have cleanned and kissed booboos, held me while i cried even when it was a stupid reason. You helped me decide who i wanted to be and i never wondered if you were proud of me or if you wished i had done differently. You let me be me more than anyone else I know and I know sometimes you wish there was more you could cram in my head, but from the earliest you showed me security, love, a pride that was not sinful, friendship. You've been with me through heart ache and physical pain and even the times it was both at once. I can only hope to one day be as good a mom for my kids as you are to me.

I may have taught you how to pout but you taught me how to smile and I hope today is full of smiles for you! Not only today but everyday I love you and am thankful god gave me an angel when I was supposed to get a mother! Happy Mother's Day Mom!




OMG!!! I almost forgot my favorite part of any holiday: PRESENTS!!! Aside from a home made dinner by yours truly you will be receiving a shopping trip to the store of your choice at the value of fifty dollars!!! And what does a shopping trip need other than two crazy chicas like us??? COUPONS OF COURSE!!!!


There are five coupons! They read as follows:

Each star entitles The Worlds' Best Mom(aka Mine) to:
1. One free chore completed without whining or questions.
2. One free card game without promising to let you win.
3. One free venting session...despite anything else.
4. One free massage, pedicure, or any other deserved pampering.
5. One complaint-free fabric emergency.

'My mommy loves me more than anybody! You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' -kids on love email-

Note from Phyl...
Ok...if I do my math correctly, that is a total of 30 blessings...which if I play it right comes out to about one every two weeks and, um...that's almost a years worth...lol.