Words to live by...

Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

To pray or not to pray...that is the question.

Ours is not a straight forward path and although we hope to be progressing forward all the while amidst the twists and turns, life is one adventure after the other. While in some of life's transition periods we seems to sail beautifully, there are those that knock us flat and cause us to crawl. It is our determination to never quit that pushes us to make it through whether we find ourselves sailing or crawling.

My recent transitions put me through one of the worst years of my adult life. When things got particularly difficult, I stopped blogging and spent a large part of my time crying out to God. He alone sustains me. It is not that I am without love here on this earth; I am, in fact, quite blessed to be loved by many and blessed to return that love.

One would think that I would have long ago learned to be cautious in my personal prayer life, yet I sometimes forget that when I ask my Lord to do something for me that He definately has wisdom that I do not understand nor appreciate during the times He is working a change in ME. So, he does not change. I do. And, its always a difficult struggle.

My case in point is this: Having come to the realization that when faced with any dilemna my first reaction was to "handle it myself" and I called on Him only after I had struggled and pushed myself to exhaustion,frustration, tears, and even anger-then and only then would I look to the hills from whence my help cometh. I finally became so very tired of this cycle, that I cried out to Him, "Heavenly Father, draw closer to me!"

I also forgot His sence of humor. Reaching out in His infinate love, He allowed many circumstances to arise in my life that gave ME the chance to choose the old methods of coping or a new way-His way. I began calling on Him FIRST! Not only is He the One who saved me from hell, but He is my Savior all day every day. He saves me from every single thing I ask Him to.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into and they are saved.

Those words are His promise to each and everyone of us and He likes it when we remind Him of His promises...that shows we know what they are and Who He Is.

I call on His name, having been made righteous by the blood of Jesus, and tell him what I need to be saved from. That list has ranged from pain to desperation. He saves me from depression, self-pity, fear, anger, frustration, my distorted self-image, my racing mind, bouts of sleeplessness, from lack of anything, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness, old coping mechanisms, and other old self-destructive habits including the need to fix everything for everyone.

What joyous freedom! I have the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about and so few of us ever experience enjoying. Calling on Him first goes against our human nature and everything we are taught by strong, self-sufficient, determined mothers who lack the deep intimate knowledge of Him and Who He is. This is not a condemnation merely my own observation. My own mother died at the tender age of 58, worn out to the point of exhaustion mentally, physically, and spiritually because she didn't know the height, width, and breadth of His love.

Not having a God-like father has cheated many of us of the joy of a man who is safe and simply adores us all the while teaching us of life and God Himself. I have come to know that my parents did the best they could. I hold no anger toward either of them. I also know that I am one of the blessed ones. I got it!

God has wooed me since childhood and while I will pray more cautiously from now on, I will continue to pray. He is the love of my life, the joy of my soul, the creator of all that is good...even when it means He has to allow me to struggle. And for that I find myself grateful to Him.

Open letter to my heart-adopted son...

Hey Baby Boy!

I am glad to hear from you:). I know what it is like to be somewhere where everyone I love is at work and I am at home......sucks big time. I also know you are one tough cookie and will make it through this. Always remember: This, too, shall pass.

Please tell Navy Man that I love and miss him...and Hev-G, too. And, please kiss Layla for me and tell her Mama to send me some photos.

Same ole shit around here...got screwed out of $250.00 on the first...now, imagine that!!!

Fif got her place so I have been going over there to hang out. Ummm....there is this maintenance man there...with eyes I could drown in...rotf.

Lij and Jen went to Homecoming...and looked awesome...they had a wonderful time. He got a job and should start soon. He is the perfect hire for a video store:).

We took Fif out for her birthday and had a great time...now I know why you kids like Lemon Drops. I was all puckered up and said, "Wow! This is delicious!" We drank, we danced, we hugged, and we giggled...all in all, we had a great time.

Alana painted one of the walls in the living room teal and, buddy, its gorgeous. I smile everytime I look at it.

I am okay, so do not panic when you read the next line. Somehow I managed to fall down the stairs yesterday. Even though I landed on my feet, I slammed into the wall at the bottom. It scared me more than anything. I was so shook up, I called Fif and she came to pick me up and we went to her place. How's this for timing? The maintenance guy came over to fix the shower while I was there. I told him we had to stop meeting like that:). Today I am so stiff I look like the Tin Man in dire need of some oil.

I am thrilled to know that you are using the book! You know, Kiddo, God doesn't care how He blesses us and that book is definately a blessing for you. Finding a safe place to go when we need to escape the daily grind is such a fantastic tool for you! Keep me posted on your progress and, please, keep writing to me.

Carry this little tidbit in your pocket and pull it out any time you need some encouragement: I love you very much and I am immensely proud of you!

Love and hugs,

Momma

She wept...

As a parent, I can assure you that there are few things worse than knowing your child's heart is breaking and that you can do nothing to take away the inevitable pain.

Last night my daughter wept and I held her. I listened and allowed my heart to break also in an effort to shoulder some of her burden. And inwardly, I wept, too.

She asked so many poignant questions...I could offer no answers...only promise that we will get through this together with the strength given to each of us from God Almighty Himself.

I have prayed for my children since I was only ten years old. There were things I did not want them to have to suffer...things that had been horrible for me. I always knew I would be a mother...it was just a matter of when.

In my own self-discovery, I once read a in the book, My Mother, Myself that mothers will often distance themselves from their daughters in an effort to shield themselves from reliving the horrors of their own childhoods. That line put my own mother and my childhood into perspective immediately. It also changed me forever. I chose to be emotionally available to my children. For the most part, I have done so and done well.

I do, however, understand how a mother could be driven to detach from her children...a mother who has not yet healed the gaping wounds left in her soul by the ravages of her own childhood. It is not easy to share the weight of another's burden, but God in His infinate grace and mercy has prepared me for such a time as this.

I have often said that each decision we make causes ripples and affects those around us. The difference in our making a good decision...not a wrong or right one...is our intent. A decision one makes in an effort to better one's own life is a good decision provided that is the true intent. The decision causes change to our loved ones and change is often not an easy thing to do. It causes pain. And pain, well, it hurts.

Even though my heart wants to tuck my baby girl into a blankie and carry her, my head knows this is a part of her journey that she must complete. I also know that I will be there right beside her, along with Our Heavenly Father, to do in the physical realm what He would have me do. I will hold her when she collapses, steady her when she is weak, listen when she needs to talk, and soothe her when she feels she is drowning. Above all, I will laugh when she laughs and weep when she weeps.

I am Momma...hear me roar.

The Wedding Was Wonderful!

Here are a few pics of the wedding. I will post more as they are available!!

The bride & groom:
















Phylicia, Alana, Roger, Jen, Marshall, and me:
















Groom and Chris:






















Best Man, Father of the Groom, Navy Man:

It's Official!

Navy Man and his beloved are getting married this Saturday~

The wedding and reception are at a local vineyard; I think it will be absolutely beautiful.

Navy Man flew in from New Orleans last night and they showed up around midnight and since I didn't expect them till today, I was pleasantly surprised. They are so happy that they glow:). My baby is a grown man...wow!

Of course I have been shopping...lol. I found a gorgeous dress at Kohl's for $20.80 that was originally $54.00, a great pair of shoes at Fashion Bug for $14.00 that were originally more than $24.00(there is an annoying sticker covering the original price), and a purse (that is to die for)for $13.00 that was originally 32.00!

I will take all of the money I saved and invest in WATERPROOF MASCARA!

I will post pics as soon as I have them and then next week I should be able to get back to this blog. Many thanks to all of you who sent warm thoughts and prayers last week. My mouth is healing well. God is good!

Hugs...

A tribute to me from my daughter!

I have to share this...I am sitting here flabbergasted, overwhelmed, and grateful for the little critter who first made me a mommy...the original post is at her blog.

Momma-

For your special day I wanted to write you a poem to tell you exactly all the amazing things you've ever done that make me so happy to be your daughter... Unfortunately I'm not as good at it as you'd have me believe. How can i describe 23 years of unquestionable support and love, not to mention still tie in just how amazing you are in general? I can't...

Without you I would not exist. How trite must the words sound when i go on about when you taught me to talk, or walk, or anything... You gave me life woman! You showed me right from wrong, stood by me when there was no-one else, even protected me from myself a time or two. You have cleanned and kissed booboos, held me while i cried even when it was a stupid reason. You helped me decide who i wanted to be and i never wondered if you were proud of me or if you wished i had done differently. You let me be me more than anyone else I know and I know sometimes you wish there was more you could cram in my head, but from the earliest you showed me security, love, a pride that was not sinful, friendship. You've been with me through heart ache and physical pain and even the times it was both at once. I can only hope to one day be as good a mom for my kids as you are to me.

I may have taught you how to pout but you taught me how to smile and I hope today is full of smiles for you! Not only today but everyday I love you and am thankful god gave me an angel when I was supposed to get a mother! Happy Mother's Day Mom!




OMG!!! I almost forgot my favorite part of any holiday: PRESENTS!!! Aside from a home made dinner by yours truly you will be receiving a shopping trip to the store of your choice at the value of fifty dollars!!! And what does a shopping trip need other than two crazy chicas like us??? COUPONS OF COURSE!!!!


There are five coupons! They read as follows:

Each star entitles The Worlds' Best Mom(aka Mine) to:
1. One free chore completed without whining or questions.
2. One free card game without promising to let you win.
3. One free venting session...despite anything else.
4. One free massage, pedicure, or any other deserved pampering.
5. One complaint-free fabric emergency.

'My mommy loves me more than anybody! You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' -kids on love email-

Note from Phyl...
Ok...if I do my math correctly, that is a total of 30 blessings...which if I play it right comes out to about one every two weeks and, um...that's almost a years worth...lol.

He would have been 39 today~

Today would have been my brother, Donnie's, 39th birthday. The following is a journal entry that I made on the ninth anniversary of his death. I still miss him but have come to know that he is in a better place and appreciate that all things Do work together for good to them that love The Lord. There is a peace deep inside of me that I never had. This can be a sad read, so do not feel obligated to read it.

Much love and many hugs....Phyl

*****

Tribute to Donnie(my brother who died in 1992)
Today, July 19, 2001, at precisely 3:19 p.m. I held in my arms a tiny male infant, only 2 months old. The time is important because at that very moment my brother, Donnie, had been dead 9 years.

Irony? I think not. Rather I think it quite fitting that I would be quietly celebrating life and all of its miracles as that dreaded time rolled around. Time unfortunately,or is it fortunately, stops for no one.

Although I know Donnie is in a much better place, I find I still miss him. What I would give to feel his arms wrapped around me in a hug!

I have allowed myself permission to mourn...miss him. I allow myself the pain....sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, some times it sneaks me, sometimes I know it is coming.

Never once in the 32 years prior to Donnie's dying did I ever consider that I would live life minus a sibling. Not once did it occur to me what it must be like to bury someone birthed from the same womb, raised in the same house, as I was.

I do know that once faced with that horrid reality, I thought I would never draw another pain-free breath in this life time...I was convinced I would never live another "normal" day. Everyday life without Donnie in it just didn't seem a realistic possibility.

I hurt, I ached, I cried. Due to the nature of the wreck...it was on a motorcycle...his body was in such shape that it would have been easy for me to deny that it was in fact Donnie's. Somehow, though, even in the deep dispairs of my grief I KNEW that I had to find him in there. I knew the importance of my own healing and that healing began with acceptance of the most horrendous fact imaginable to me at that time.

Could I do it? Could I find my Donnie in that swollen excuse for a corpse? If so, then could I forgive God for taking him and Donnie for allowing himself to die? Could I work through this pain to any sense of healing? When I had originally heard the news my heart literally ripped...I screamed from the torturous pain. Could anything hurt this bad? Why my 23 year old brother? I reminded God of the fact that Daddy was older and that he would not be missed nearly as bad as Donnie...and then asked him why he let my Dad be here this long anyway. Why didn't he take Dad and leave Donnie here?

The next few days were a blur for a long time. I counted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, then years...all relevant to the time and date that Donnie had left this planet. I thought time would never again not be related to that one event in my life.

I remember going to Mom's for 2 weeks afterwards and lying on her couch looking up at the pictures of all of us kids. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing as my Mom held me. I recognized the hand in the picture as the same one in that damned casket.

Later, Alan told me that the undertaker had shared concern that they would not be able to have any of Donnie's body out from under the cover, as he had suffered terrible road rash. Alan explained to him that having his hand and arm out were mandatory to those of us left behind. Our family has always been and will always be a great bunch of huggers...the guys always did the manly thing and shook hands before hugging. Sure enough with the help of the undertaker and a long sleeved white shirt, we were able to clutch Donnie's hand one final time.

I remember frantically-almost maniacally-searching through hundreds of photographs until I found one of just Donnie and I together. Try as I did, I couldn't remember his face before the wreck, couldn't feel his arms wrapped around me, couldn't see his smile, or hear his voice. I HAD to know that he HAD been and that he loved me. I found a picture finally-one of him with his arms wrapped around me-baby and all. He and I were giggling. It was wonderful to see...somehow soothing my ravaged heart.

I was so mad...angry that my brother had died, angry that Alan had had to identify his body, angry that we lost Donnie, angry that it hurt so deeply...I even considered that Donnie had committed suicide. I was just good and ole mad!

Fearing that I would never function again, I sought counseling through my church. I know that nothing short of God's love, comfort, grace and mercy that pulled me through that time. I also learned that while screaming,"Why?!?!?!?!?", at the heavens may be therapeutic, there isn't always an answer.

As the old adage goes--time heals all wounds. Lord knows, how I hated all of those polite, trite sayings that folks would spit out when they could think of nothing else to say instead of just sitting in the uncomfortable-ness with me. I can only hope that I was not rude. Thing is...no one could comfort me. I cried when I needed to cry, bitched when I needed to bitch, felt sorry for myself when I needed to, and screamed when I needed to scream. I also prayed constantly. I knew that I had to work through this. I do so appreciate those patient people who allowed me to share my pain with them...and those who carried it for me when it was too much to bear. I talked and talked and talked about Donnie...the gory details of the wreck, how horrendous his body looked, and constantly recounted as it came back to me the awful details of that horrible week.

By the time the third anniversary (is there an appropriate word???) rolled around, I noticed some healing. I was crying less often and for shorter periods of time. I was able to recall with a smile or giggle some of the times Donnie and I had shared. I could see his face, feel his hug, hear his voice. I knew I was getting better.

Today, as I write this, it has been 9 years...I don't know how many months, weeks, days, hours, or minutes. I have "normal" days....)whatever that is:)! I got to the point during that 3rd year, where I gave myself permission to not be miserable, to forgive God and Donnie, and to not feel quilty because I was still alive.

Even though my heart will never totally heal, it is now capable of having "Donnie" moments without ripping further and with time and age I have concluded that all is as it should be.

Our Mom never recovered from losing Donnie; it was not possible to focus on her "4 living children". She simply could not accept that Donnie was no longer here. Three years ago, she too left this planet. As I held her hand and she drew her final breath, I released her to go to Donnie. I miss her...but I know that she, too, is in a better place, at peace and whole again. What more could I wish for loved ones?

Within the first week of losing Donnie, everyone of of his siblings and our Mom heard this song-at separate times-and all of us immediately thought of him.

Jesus And Mom Will Always Love Me

Made a wish upon a star:
I could have a brand new car
Got tired of wishing, so
I stole one.
Twenty-three* and knew it all
My dreams were big but, my thoughts were small.
So many roads,
somehow, I chose the wrong one.

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

I felt trapped most all my life
found new kinds of lows and highs
Never been a husband,
but I've had a lot of wives to hold me.
Headstrong, stubborn,
couldn't be told
like a wild horse that couldn't be rode...
a rainbow chaser hungry for gold
and still searching.

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

I wish Mom could see me now,
how I've turned it all around...
lately I've been going down the right road.
Like a picture that you paint
with blues and grays and cans of paint.
Heaven knows,
I'm not a saint but I know...

Jesus and Mom will always love me
even when the devil took control.
Jesus and Mom will always love me...
this I know.

Note:
The song is by "Confederate Railroad" and it reminds all of us of Donnie.
*I took the liberty of changing "17" to "23".

Meet my newest heart-adopted child~

I am having such a wonderful time in life being totally immersed in the love our Heavenly Father is showering on me! The cool thing about splashing around in a pool of love is that you want everyone to get soaked in it too.

I have decided that I am gonna spread the love not only in blogland but IRL, too. Over the next few month I will introduce my blog family to my real family and vise-a-versa. Today I want you to meet my newest heart-adopted baby girl. Her name is Jen & she uses the screen name, Bubbles, sometimes. Bubbly is the perfect description of her personality! This young lady was brought into my life by my youngest son. They are currently sweethearts so I get to see her often. Not only is she absolutely beautiful physically she has a soul that matches her insides to her outsides. The fact that she adores me does not in any way hurt my feelings...lol. Here is the myspace comment she left for me this morning:

you are a gem.
a treasure.
and a spectacular mom.
i'm very happy that you're in my life.
+ i'm pretty jazzed to have your son in it too. :D
your family in general..
good job :D
ilerveyoucuteface.
!:D<3!

She is so cute I could just bite her~ I love it when other people share the same quirks that I have. This kid finds it impossible to wear matched socks...and I love it. I do the same thing...just ask my kids about my cotton argyle sock collection...lol.

I love you, Kiddo. Welcome to the family!

'other mother'

You are the wind beneath my wings.

My choices for the initial recipients of theWind Beneath My Wings Award are, in generational order, Betty, Mo, and Alana. It is my hope that each of you will take this award and let it serve as a reminder of my gratitude for your being a vital part of the collective wind beneath my wings.

I have come to know Betty through blogging and she is such a wonderful and endearing woman. Betty is one of the sweetest people I have ever met; she is truly a southern belle. Her gentle disposition and gushing appreciation for even the smallest thing inspire me daily. We spend lots of time on each other's blog, e-mailing back and forth, and we have even spoken on the phone. We have plans to meet in person sometime this coming Autumn! My own Mother left this planet in February of 1998 and I miss having a mom. One day, Betty & I were emailing back and forth and she disclosed that she was old enough to be my mom. I was taken aback...I thought I had met a friend my age. Being the woman I am...always in touch with my needs and often potentially obnoxious in stating them...I asked if she was volunteering for the position. She said she would happily do so. The rest, as they say, is history! Today, I present her with this small token of my appreciation for her being my new Mom and loving me like she birthed me.

I am a firm believer in Romans 8:28 which says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." I also met Mo through blogging. She came along at a time when I was fumbling around in the dark searching for a better way to live my life. I was battling the very same depression that had been a stronghold in my life since puberty. As always, I cried out to God asking Him to show me the way. He sent Mo into my life. In her introductory e-mail she explained that she had been a lurker to my blog and invited me to join her on her daily hike on the journey to living a grateful (GREATFULL) life. Well, who could refuse? It only took moments of looking around her blog for me to know how she found me. My Heavenly Father sent her to illuminate my way out of the darkness and into the joy of practicing gratitude daily. Mo challenging me to "Put my hiking boots on and come along" is something I count as one of the major moments in my life. The rest, as they say, is history! Today, I present her with this small token of my appreciation for her being my true Sister-in Christ and for coming to rescue me when Our Father sent her after me.

I met Alana when the midwife laid her in my arms and I was able to hold her for the very first time. It was love at first site; that was almost 24 years ago. Every day of her life she has blessed me in one way or the other. Even when she moved to another town and did what most young folks do when they leave home, I still carried the knowledge that she loved me and would return home deep in the recesses of my heart. She has grown from this adorable little citter who needed me to do everything for her into a grown woman in her own right. Being the first-born in not an easy task; I know this from experience. Alana is a champion first-born child. As a mother, I can say that there is a bond formed between the first-born and the mother that is different than with the other children. I do not love the others less; I simply acknowledge the bond that is formed by this child being the first of everything parenting in my life. Mothering came quite naturally to me and, while it is what I do best, Alana was gentle with me. She is the reason the word, "Momma" came to mean something to me. She was the reason that when I heard a cry uttered by my baby I was motivated to soothe it. Hers was the first boo-boo I kissed to make it all better, the first time I smacked a hiney in order to assist a child in hearing me when, obviously, the ears were not working correctly, the first time I realized what absolute love and sacrifice have in common, the first time I knew what it was like to have something utterly and totally dependent on me for survival,the first time I ever had to hold my own baby while the doctor gave her shots, the first time I ever rubbed sore gums to help little teeth come thru, the first time I got to hear my own child speak words and see my own child take her first steps, the first time a child of mine ever patted me on the back and wiped my tears to soothe me, the first time I ever had to leave my child in the care of some one other than me, the first time I got a love letter from one of my children, the list goes on and on and there are many more firsts we have left to experience together. I look forward to them. We are similar in many ways and share many interests. When she was in the fifth grade, she taught me how to use the computer. The rest, as they say, is history! Today, I present her with this small token of my appreciation for her being not only my daughter but my best friend, for humoring me even when she knows I have slipped off the edge, for continuing to pat me on the back and wipe away my tears and still respecting me like I birthed her.

To the three of you, I have this to say: I love you. Words and graphics can not fully express the gratitude I feel because Our Creator was so very generous in placing you in my life. If friends are the family we get to choose then I choose all three of you! I am proud to call you Mom, Sister, & Daughter.

With all my love and gratitude to Our Heavenly Father for sending you to be the wind beneath my wings,

Girls In My Circle...Tag! You're it!

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.



One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be. One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"
Another, "Let's fight together,"
Another, "Let's walk away together."



One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.




But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself...
Those are your best friends.




It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.



I have lots of girls in my circle and decided that they all needed to know that someone cares about them and appreciate the difference they make in my life. If you are here it may be because I tagged you as one of the girls in my circle! If I didn't tag you , no offense intended. Tag! You're it! Consider yourself tagged.

I tag:
Alana, Betty, Mo, Cricket, Jay, Noel, Brandy, luvmy4sons, Joyce, Sandy, Apron Queen, Chuck, Judi, Jennifer, Tracy, Khris, Ursula, Jenni, Amanda, Chris, Carolyn, Ann, Becky, Regina

Now tag your friends to let them know you love them and appreciate the difference they make in your life! Go

My Navy Man Is Home~

This is my Navy Man in his dress blues...and with his fiance'. It was her 19th birthday yesterday. He got her the gorgeous diamond necklace:).

She FINALLY made an honest man out of him!

So, it finally happened. My brother, Alan, got married today:). That's the newly married couple in the top pic:).
The lower pic is me with my brothers Dan and Alan.



Today I am grateful that there are still people who believe in the sanctity of marriage.

My Family

Happy Valentine's Day to my children~

To my children: Alana, Phylicia, Martail, Alijah, Joyce, Ashley, Roger, Chris, Heather, Jen, and Leslie,

I love all of you with all of my heart. You are the light in my life, the perk in my step, the twinkle in my eye, and the joy in each day.

If I birthed you, I thank God for giving me the pleasure of watching you grow into the wonderful person that you are.

If you are heart-adopted, I thank God that in all His wisdom He saw fit to bless me with your presence in my life.

I count all of you among the many blessings in my life! I hope your day is filled with loads of chocolate and lots of love!

With much love, many hugs, and tons of gratitude,

Momma/Madre/Min/other mother

Barb Is Taking The Leap!

My brother is getting married! Last night I attended the bridal shower for his beloved.

Here are the pics I took.

Hugs,