Words to live by...

Love with no need to pre-empt grievance.

To pray or not to pray...that is the question.

Ours is not a straight forward path and although we hope to be progressing forward all the while amidst the twists and turns, life is one adventure after the other. While in some of life's transition periods we seems to sail beautifully, there are those that knock us flat and cause us to crawl. It is our determination to never quit that pushes us to make it through whether we find ourselves sailing or crawling.

My recent transitions put me through one of the worst years of my adult life. When things got particularly difficult, I stopped blogging and spent a large part of my time crying out to God. He alone sustains me. It is not that I am without love here on this earth; I am, in fact, quite blessed to be loved by many and blessed to return that love.

One would think that I would have long ago learned to be cautious in my personal prayer life, yet I sometimes forget that when I ask my Lord to do something for me that He definately has wisdom that I do not understand nor appreciate during the times He is working a change in ME. So, he does not change. I do. And, its always a difficult struggle.

My case in point is this: Having come to the realization that when faced with any dilemna my first reaction was to "handle it myself" and I called on Him only after I had struggled and pushed myself to exhaustion,frustration, tears, and even anger-then and only then would I look to the hills from whence my help cometh. I finally became so very tired of this cycle, that I cried out to Him, "Heavenly Father, draw closer to me!"

I also forgot His sence of humor. Reaching out in His infinate love, He allowed many circumstances to arise in my life that gave ME the chance to choose the old methods of coping or a new way-His way. I began calling on Him FIRST! Not only is He the One who saved me from hell, but He is my Savior all day every day. He saves me from every single thing I ask Him to.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into and they are saved.

Those words are His promise to each and everyone of us and He likes it when we remind Him of His promises...that shows we know what they are and Who He Is.

I call on His name, having been made righteous by the blood of Jesus, and tell him what I need to be saved from. That list has ranged from pain to desperation. He saves me from depression, self-pity, fear, anger, frustration, my distorted self-image, my racing mind, bouts of sleeplessness, from lack of anything, anxiety, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness, old coping mechanisms, and other old self-destructive habits including the need to fix everything for everyone.

What joyous freedom! I have the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about and so few of us ever experience enjoying. Calling on Him first goes against our human nature and everything we are taught by strong, self-sufficient, determined mothers who lack the deep intimate knowledge of Him and Who He is. This is not a condemnation merely my own observation. My own mother died at the tender age of 58, worn out to the point of exhaustion mentally, physically, and spiritually because she didn't know the height, width, and breadth of His love.

Not having a God-like father has cheated many of us of the joy of a man who is safe and simply adores us all the while teaching us of life and God Himself. I have come to know that my parents did the best they could. I hold no anger toward either of them. I also know that I am one of the blessed ones. I got it!

God has wooed me since childhood and while I will pray more cautiously from now on, I will continue to pray. He is the love of my life, the joy of my soul, the creator of all that is good...even when it means He has to allow me to struggle. And for that I find myself grateful to Him.

Open letter to my heart-adopted son...

Hey Baby Boy!

I am glad to hear from you:). I know what it is like to be somewhere where everyone I love is at work and I am at home......sucks big time. I also know you are one tough cookie and will make it through this. Always remember: This, too, shall pass.

Please tell Navy Man that I love and miss him...and Hev-G, too. And, please kiss Layla for me and tell her Mama to send me some photos.

Same ole shit around here...got screwed out of $250.00 on the first...now, imagine that!!!

Fif got her place so I have been going over there to hang out. Ummm....there is this maintenance man there...with eyes I could drown in...rotf.

Lij and Jen went to Homecoming...and looked awesome...they had a wonderful time. He got a job and should start soon. He is the perfect hire for a video store:).

We took Fif out for her birthday and had a great time...now I know why you kids like Lemon Drops. I was all puckered up and said, "Wow! This is delicious!" We drank, we danced, we hugged, and we giggled...all in all, we had a great time.

Alana painted one of the walls in the living room teal and, buddy, its gorgeous. I smile everytime I look at it.

I am okay, so do not panic when you read the next line. Somehow I managed to fall down the stairs yesterday. Even though I landed on my feet, I slammed into the wall at the bottom. It scared me more than anything. I was so shook up, I called Fif and she came to pick me up and we went to her place. How's this for timing? The maintenance guy came over to fix the shower while I was there. I told him we had to stop meeting like that:). Today I am so stiff I look like the Tin Man in dire need of some oil.

I am thrilled to know that you are using the book! You know, Kiddo, God doesn't care how He blesses us and that book is definately a blessing for you. Finding a safe place to go when we need to escape the daily grind is such a fantastic tool for you! Keep me posted on your progress and, please, keep writing to me.

Carry this little tidbit in your pocket and pull it out any time you need some encouragement: I love you very much and I am immensely proud of you!

Love and hugs,

Momma

Epiphany

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

First of all, let me say that I love the word epiphany! I like the way it looks, the way it sounds, I love what it means, and most of all I am thrilled when I experience one.

Some of you have been writing to see if I am okay. Thank you so very much! I am doing well. This is such an introverted time in my life. I have been experiencing many emotions that are new to me some of which are expected and some not so much.

It seems that God has allowed my regular veins of support to be cut-off with the ultimate goal of my having to turn to Him for everything. This time, I can honestly say that I caught on rather quickly:).

I imagine some of what I am going through has to do with my age as I am approaching 49 shortly. With age comes changes in perspective and wisdom. Hopefully, the lessons I have struggled with will now be put behind me and will become issues I no longer have to deal with. Never more than now have I come to realize that while people may fail you or leave you God never will.

She wept...

As a parent, I can assure you that there are few things worse than knowing your child's heart is breaking and that you can do nothing to take away the inevitable pain.

Last night my daughter wept and I held her. I listened and allowed my heart to break also in an effort to shoulder some of her burden. And inwardly, I wept, too.

She asked so many poignant questions...I could offer no answers...only promise that we will get through this together with the strength given to each of us from God Almighty Himself.

I have prayed for my children since I was only ten years old. There were things I did not want them to have to suffer...things that had been horrible for me. I always knew I would be a mother...it was just a matter of when.

In my own self-discovery, I once read a in the book, My Mother, Myself that mothers will often distance themselves from their daughters in an effort to shield themselves from reliving the horrors of their own childhoods. That line put my own mother and my childhood into perspective immediately. It also changed me forever. I chose to be emotionally available to my children. For the most part, I have done so and done well.

I do, however, understand how a mother could be driven to detach from her children...a mother who has not yet healed the gaping wounds left in her soul by the ravages of her own childhood. It is not easy to share the weight of another's burden, but God in His infinate grace and mercy has prepared me for such a time as this.

I have often said that each decision we make causes ripples and affects those around us. The difference in our making a good decision...not a wrong or right one...is our intent. A decision one makes in an effort to better one's own life is a good decision provided that is the true intent. The decision causes change to our loved ones and change is often not an easy thing to do. It causes pain. And pain, well, it hurts.

Even though my heart wants to tuck my baby girl into a blankie and carry her, my head knows this is a part of her journey that she must complete. I also know that I will be there right beside her, along with Our Heavenly Father, to do in the physical realm what He would have me do. I will hold her when she collapses, steady her when she is weak, listen when she needs to talk, and soothe her when she feels she is drowning. Above all, I will laugh when she laughs and weep when she weeps.

I am Momma...hear me roar.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

This morning I woke up to the glorious sun streaming through the windows! Even though I am not what one could call an outside person, there are two things about the outside that I love...sunshine streaming through my windows and fresh air blowing in the breeze. There is something soothing in both.

For some time now I have been locked in a whirlwind of emotions...feelings and realities that demanded attention. I hold fast to the belief that God Himself is in control and knows what is best for me. I do not always understand all that He allows and most times I do not appreciate His ways. Then, every now and then, I catch a glimpse of the big picture. Although my life today is the sum total of all decisions I have made (good, bad, or indifferent), He has always stood by me or carried me. Given my difficult times, I can not imagine a life where I did not have Him to cry out to.

Being a victim of hormonal swings is not now, nor has it ever been, an enjoyable experience. Neither has been my ongoing journey of self-exploration. Add to that chemical depression and bad relationship choices and there you have a good idea of my life since the tender age of ten. Please do not feel sorry for me. This is merely a summary of events that I need to blog.

So many times, in moments of dispair, I have blogged revelations or listed events of my life and the overwhelming love and support of fellow bloggers has been amazing. I can not express in words the gratitude that I feel for each and every one of you. Your prayers have helped carry me through many dark tunnels.

Today, I hope you will join me in praise and thanksgiving. As I opened the curtains, made my morning pot of coffee, and sat down to blog, the following scripture came to me.

Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

This scripture is a promise...His promise to me! As I have mentioned before, I have been in a period of mourning. It has been a long arduous and lonely journey, Today, that chapter in my life has been closed. Halleujah!

Update

I know I have been absent from Bloggerville for quite some time and I certainly appreciate the concern and love shown by those of you who stop by or email me.

I am still in a deep depression and feel overwhelmed by the simplest of things. It seems that doing anything is too difficult. I frustrate easily and simply stop attempting what I am working on. I find joy in nothing any more.

I wake up, get up, fidget and fiddle, and wait for bedtime. Please pray for me as I seek professional help. Whatever is wrong, I am unable to handle it on my own.

Hugs and gratitude,