First thoughts are not always the best.
Okay, this is not going to be a 'normal' gratitude post. Consider yourself warned. This is an attempt on my behalf to turn my anger into gratitude and not be mad or hurt all day long.
A little background: I have no car. I battle disabilities that make it impossible to walk long distances. It is freezing cold outside.
So, the last one I can't change. I accept that. The first one will change when my first SSI check arrives. I am standing for healing in the second one. The first two make me dependent on and at the mercy of the people in my life.
Current situation: I have medication that was provided free at my doctors' office that needs picked up and brought to me. One of my children has the day off from work and is going to be driving past the doctors' office on their way to and back from an errand they have to run. In my mind it would be a simple matter of going a total of three blocks out of the way to grab my meds AND drop them off to me. My house is on the route home.
So, I texted said child with the request. What I got was a phone call asking me to stop requesting things of them because right now they are having a very stressful time in their life and are feeling over-whelmed.
My first thought was to simply hang up the phone. No goodbye, no thanks for calling, no personal invitation to kiss various and assorted spots on my hind end. BREATHE. Sometimes it is very difficult to be an adult. My second thought was, and I quote, "Are you kidding me?" Expletives deleted. My third thought escaped past my lips which, considering that I do not currently have a voice, was quite a feat.
"Welcome to real life. It is stressful and it does not care if you are over-whelmed. You get no breaks." Don't you sometimes hate self-control? I was truly proud of myself.
That's when the truth of the issue surfaced. It seems that my child's 'sweetie'(don't you just love sarcasm?)is, in their terms, 'flipping out' because suddenly things are not going smoothly. Imagine that! Life isn't going smoothly. Side note: I, personally, know that often the stuff-that-hits-the-fan is of our own doing. Reaping what one sows is not always enjoyable.
Now mind you, 'Sweetie' was sitting there, so my interpretation of the conversation had to be gleened from what was and was not said. My child's car is broke down and now they are relying on 'Sweeties' car and well, my child can't do things for me in Sweeties' car and/or apparently ask Sweetie to make a three block detour in order to help me out.
I am throwing self-control out the window...here where it is safe and I do not have the option of choking the life out of an immature, spoiled rotten, cottled brat. Lord, please, please, please do not let that person grace my doorstep this day. That is a test I am not ready to face, let alone attempt to pass with my sanctification in tact.
I understand that there are people in this world who did not grow up like my children, those who had it much better off financially because their parents made better choices than I did. I am genuinely happy for them. However...tell the truth...you knew that was coming didn't you? I digress. However, two of the people currently in my life who fall into that category have no sence of family. Or, should I say their apparent concept of family is that family is who does for you and not who you do for.
My children and I do whatever we can for one another even to the point of sacrificing our time or what we would really rather be doing at any given moment. That is what we do and part of who we are. Now, this is not a perfect system and there are occasional issues, but we do not keep score. It is simply a matter of 'if it needs done let's figure out a way to get it done'. Period.
I am also the kind of person who would rather be told no than for someone to do something for me that they will resent. Resentment causes rifts and I will have none of those.
So, this question is begging to be asked: Why am I so mad? I am mad for a few reasons. The first reason is that 'Sweetie' did not have the um...necessary adult body parts to call me. I am mad that my child gave into the temper tantrum and called me in their stead. I am mad because this person knows that I battle physical issues. I am mad because this person knows that not only do I not have a car, I have very limited options when it comes to other methods of transportation. I am mad because this person knows that I have meds that need picked up. I know they know this because I asked them to pick them up yesterday. Yesterday they had no gas in their car. They also didn't offer to go if I gave them gas money. I took the hint. I dropped the subject and thanked them anyway. I am mad because I was not asking for anyone to do anything major, just take a 3 block detour. Okay, so it would have involved a three block detour and getting out of the car, walking into the office, being polite to the receptionist, carrying my meds to the car, getting back in the car, stopping at my house that they would have driven past, getting out of the car, coming inside, handing me my meds, returning to the car, and proceeding as normal.
I am mad because I am dependant on other people. I am mad because ultimately that is my fault. I am also hurt that apparently I ask too much of people.
Okay, so here is where this turns into gratitude. I am grateful that God gives me self-control when I have none. I am grateful that I am well enough to get mad. I am grateful that there are people who understand the value of family and sacrifice. I am glad that there are people who understand that the reward for helping me now may not be available until they cross through the Pearly Gates. I am grateful that I have a blog-a safe place to vent and rid myself of these nasty feelings and thoughts. I am grateful that 'all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.' I am also quite grateful to God Almighty who gave me the grace to NOT swear like a sailor in writing this post.
I am grateful that I can, from my heart, say this prayer:
Lord, bless my child and 'Sweetie' this day.
End of prayer!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
First thoughts are not always the best.