Today I am grateful for God. He is answering my plea of, "What is wrong with me and how can we fix it??!!"
I am in a deep depression and the good news is that I realize that. Now to the work at hand...
I have no true love for myself or my body. These are immediate things on the fix-it list. I have to learn to love me and to care for me...to do things that are good for me.
I find joy in things and soon the joy is gone and I am still participating in things out of habit. Recently I quit an online group due to this factor. I lost some friends because of it.
I realize that the most overwhelming emotion that I have is sadness. I do not like it...it is old and tired and lonely and just plain miserable. Sadness has followed and enveloped me most of my life.
I want to smile so big that the light from my face is blinding! I want to change my name to Isaac...which means laughter.
I have no ambition, I feel trapped in an unsatisfactory life, I feel like a failure. I have no motivation and I need to be enough motivation for myself. I feel dispair...like what is the point? I am haunted by the times I have failed and disappointed others.
Now, let me tell you something. I also currently have no voice whatsoever...it has been 2 weeks since I have uttered a word. Wow! It is so weird not being able to talk. But it has caused me to become quite contemplative. This can be a good thing and I am trusting God that the answers I seek will come during this time.