There are so many things I want/need to share with you and without a voice it is difficult. Plus, it is my prayer that an email will keep us from having to have an hours long conversation. I do not wish for this to get emotional.
First of all, I am so very sorry. I am sorry for so many things for your sake, for mine, for the kids. It is my sincere hope that God will very soon heal all of the gaping wounds that I have caused to your soul and make you whole.
You know, all those years ago when this started, I was so foolish and naive. I still am in so many ways.. Every day God shows me something new, a different perspective, or yet another place He can heal me. I am so very broken. Parts of me are so busted that in my head, I often wonder if even God can heal me. Will I ever be whole and the person He intended me to be?
It is my broken self that hurled hurts and insults at you...castrated is the word you use. That was never my intention. I loved you and still do. I just know that our continuing to mesh our individual "infected gaping wounds" is not the answer.
So many times you were right...too many to count. My fears and pains and insecurities kept me from ever acknowledging those times. I feared you would become my father and I perpetuated it until in my mind you had. I know that you are a good man with a good heart.
No one can ever say that we never tried. We can stand proudly with the knowledge that we did, in fact, try it all. There are so many things that could be said, but I am unsure as to how wise it would be to even go there.
I can speak for me. I know that I have many many hurts, habits, and hang ups. I do not believe that you realize that I DO KNOW how busted I truly am. I do. I am miserable, lonely, angry, hurting just like everyone else. I wonder what-the-hell-is-the-point-of it-all. I get weary to the core of my being. I battle severe depression and physical pain all of the time. It is only by the grace of God that I am not a drug addict. I have learned this and it will keep me from pursuing drugs and alcohol: I find things that bring me great joy and soon the joy is gone and I am still doing whatever it was. Habits. Caffeine and nicotine are enough of that burden for me. This doesn't even begin to address the horrid mental and emotional habits I have that are killing my spirit on a daily basis.
I know that I have many fears and insecurities. Hang ups. Right now the big one is that some day I will be unable to any longer do anything for myself. Then there is the nagging list of failures that haunt me day and night. I know that, at 47, I am a bitter old woman.
I battle anger that borders on rage. I am so pissed off about the things I can not change-especially the things that are a direct result of decisions I have made. Hurts. Credit where it is due, God has brought me a long way. I still have a major journey on my hands.
Mostly, I am sad. Sadness hovers over me day and night. It moves in and out of dispair...sometimes moment to moment.
When we met, I had hopes for us, for the kids. We, in our broken states could not heal one another. I am not mad or even hurt any longer where we are concerned. I choose to believe, that just like our parents, we did the best we could.
I know for me, sex was always a huge issue. I have concluded that where sex is concerned I have a "male" view. Perhaps too much of me is tied to my sexual identity, but this is how I am. I need that leaning into one another, that security, that intimacy, that reassurance that I am wanted and needed. Not having that need filled and being rejected has killed parts of me. I pray that God heals me. I do not blame you, I just needed to discuss it. I want my self-worth to come from God Himself and not a person or persons.
I am sorry that I was and am not able to be the woman you need. I pray that God brings her to you.
While I will always believe that you and I love each other, it is not healthy for us to continue to subject the other to the hell we create. We heap crap on top of the old crap and it just keeps piling up. Please know that you will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you for your efforts, and most of all for my sons.
Go with God. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
All my love,
Thursday, January 31, 2008