Today I am grateful for...

The fact that I am actually past the point I was in when I wrote this! I just found it in my google documents folder. Note: I opted out of the relationship two weeks ago. God is good and ever faithful.

Phyl

The cycle seems never ending yet it is not a perfect circle. It is one fraught with broken hearts, tears, and anger. In working my own recovery, I am seeing my responsibilty in things and asking for forgiveness and the strength to totally repent, thus turning from these behaviors that have served me well for so long. Served me well seems so perverse a statement, but when I needed to protect my heart and mind, withdrawal did just that.

I know in the core of my being that only Jesus Christ himself can stop this and believe He has sent a guide to help us through. And yet, I balk. So many things have been tried, so many prayers uttered, so many friendships forged and then utterly destroyed as others have come along side to support us. I am so weary in my soul even though the scriptures caution me to not grow weary. I fear the hope dashed and shattered; I fear the depression spawned from disappointment; I fear the inevitable devastation to my soul.

Faith is my strong point-I have been lovingly accused of having a direct-line to the throne. In light of that, how is it that I end up here time after time? This carousel ride is sickening...no innocent giggling and exhilaration...no fun what-so-ever. I want off. Here is what the ride looks like: I tell God of my defensive maneuvers and lack of faith in Him. He forgives me. I begin to feel whole. He and I spend wonderful times fellowshipping. I remember why I cling to Him. He is my Rock, my Love, my Hope, the only One I truly have. He is wonderful and is everything I want to be. Being like Him is the ambition of my everything.

Then the assaults begin; assaults from the one human who has been commanded to love me. Subtle, sly, small. I pray for strength. God has given me the gift of seeing passed behaviors to the core of the issue. This gift kicks in at this point giving me understanding, compassion, strength. Wisdom flows, God speaks through me to him. He listens and says he hears. There is good behavior for a while. This is the height of the ride...its wonderful. We are in love, one flesh as stated in the scriptures, as God intended. We laugh, the ebb and flow moves even in our love making. No one could want more in a marriage.

He panics. The assaults become more obvious, more hurtful. For a while I cling to the Rock and respond in love. Then one day it happens. I get so angry that it is happening yet again that I retaliate. I have gotten so skilled with the sword that is my tongue that I can mortally wound him with one move. I no longer attempt to back him up; I wound him so deeply that he is forced to recoil and go away.

I hear the steel doors of my heart and mind as they slam shut-the sounds echoing deep in my soul. I function out of habit, I feel nothing and it is comforting. The pain is stopped at least for the moment. While he is gone, it is so peaceful. Eventually, I make an attempt to reach out to him and this is met with anger, so I retreat back into the safety of my cave. It is good.

The next step in this horrid dance we do is his. He becomes needy. Normal every day conversation is unheard of. Everything is focused on the state of the union...which is pretty damned shattered at this point. I refuse to be moved. He resorts to negative behaviors in sad attempts for attention; I ignore him; I am disgusted.

I begin to feel pity. I seem to forget that this is just another sick part of the dance, and I reach out to him. He responds. It takes time for wounds to be soothed, but somehow we decide to "give it another chance" believing that this time it will be different. The ride begins again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting results. Twenty years of hopping on this damned carousel is killing me. I am tired of dancing.

Battling physical ailments is hell and I battle ones that stress exasberates The mental toll of the ailments are enough of their own accord. I am in constant pain; it hurts to walk, to stand. I can no longer carry a basket of clothes from my basement, I can no longer close some of the windows in my house. Grocery shopping causes me pain for days. This messes with my mind, my sence of self, my faith, the core of my being. It makes me angry and I find myself in the middle of a conundrum...how do I accept things I can't change without losing faith in God's ability to heal? Why am I not walking in divine health? How much pain can one person endure before the mind just simply snaps?

Add in every day life struggles such as finances, people in my life who I need and who need me, my need to create to feel alive, my inner struggle with living/learning/healing and there is more than enough to keep me busy.

Handling the everyday stuff is not easy, but it is simple. I know that my God meets my needs according to His riches in glory and He does; He always has; He always will. Only in my marriage, does my life get complicated. Yet one more conundrum: do I stay and honor my vows or do I run fast and hard in another direction?

This cycle is not only dangerous, it is damaging. It is in the cycle that I lose sight of God; when I retreat even though He is there I do not seek Him. I am more concerned with my own safety than my relationship with Him. This is sin. If my marriage relationship causes me to sin, no, if my behavior(for whatever reason) in this relationship causes me to sin, should I/could I get out? How do I get out? I want off this damned carousel!