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Friday, February 1, 2008

This morning I am grateful for...

Isn't this the most amazing picture? I absolutely love it! It so beautifully captures how even though we age and change on the outside we are still the same person we always were only older and hopefully wiser.

I cried last night and whew~ it was so healing to my soul. I forget that when even my bones are dry, tears water my soul. I needed that. I tend to think that I shouldn't cry, that I should stay strong, but even my Savior cried.

Today is a new day and it is a wonderful one. I apologize to anyone who reads my writings as I imagine they can be a downer. That is not my intention. I need to write/type things out as it helps me get perspective. I do not wish to burden my kids with these things and the blog is a wonderful release for me. I also hope that someone reading can relate or may be in the same place I am and realize, as one of my commenters said, that we are not alone.

I thank God that He carries me through the times when I don't even have the energy to stand. Not having a voice for over 2 weeks now has been a mixed bag of tricks. It is a pain-in-the-rump as far as verbal communication is concerned, but being quiet has its benefits. I was able/forced to contemplate things, which is something I do not tend to take time out to do. Funny, for someone who has very little in the way of a social life, I am kinda always doing something.

While I battle chemical depression, the circumstances and situations in my life have not been conducive to contentment. To this end, I have made some decisions.

I need to love Christ does. The first order of business is that I am now scheduling God time. This is, unfortunately, something that I reserved for times when I was so down-n-out that there was no where else to turn but up. So, instead of waiting for the well to dry out, I am going to keep it brimming to the top and overflowing.

Secondly, I have rejoined This woman took a very simple concept and built it into something amazing that has helped many women just like me. I know what to do, what I shoulda/coulda/woulda done, but often simply don't do it. She shares wisdom, suggestions, and experiences with a great sence of humor. FLY stand for Finally Loving Yourself. She covers everything from 15 minute cleaning times, to excercise, to pampering yourself, and more. She is, infact, a woman after my own heart. I, too, love a shiny kitchen sink first thing in the morning:). It makes me smile as I start my pot of coffee!

Spending time with my Lord and following along with FlyLady are two simple things that I can implement today. I feel good about both of them.

On a bigger scale, there are two decisions that have been in process for some time.

1. I have applied for SSI. Although I do not qualify, due to lack of work credit hours, for Disabilty, my health and current income qualify me for SSI. Despite the horror stories I have heard concerning the application process my own experience has been a smooth one. Since they pay you from the date of your initial application, my first check will be for a few months. With that money, I can buy a car and re-gain my independence. I will also, once again, qualify for health insurance and medication coverage. There is also a good possibility that I will be able to get a home health care aide. Finances and medical coverage are two of the largest stressors in my life.

2. I have been so very blessed to be able to raise all four of my children in 3 bedroom house in a wonderful neighborhood. When all of them lived at home, and before my strokes, it was not difficult to take care of the house and yard. Since the strokes and now that it is just me and my youngest son, the upkeep gets to be overwhelming. To that end, even though it has been one of the hardest decisions of my life, I have decided that we will be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment in the near future. Even with all of the wrestling I did while coming to this conclusion, peace was immediate once I finalized my decision.

God is soooooo good! I am grateful for His grace, His mercies that are new every morning, and for clarity of thought.

Have an absolutely wonderfully blessed day!

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Greatfullivin said...

WAY TO Go!!! I am soencouraged by this post. I understand the need to get it all out and validate our very existance. You are not alone and God is working in your life and through you to us. Praise Him!!! It is a hard road but one that together we can all travel. I am here...holding your hand, watching you grow by leaps and bounds in your Gratitude! You just blog about what you need to. We are here for you! have a great day! I will touch base as soon as I can!..HUGS!

Joyce said...

I know that making plans are hard. It is hard to make changes in life. I do know that God loves you and He will not change He is always the same today and for ever. My hubby has a saying and it is SMILE GOD LOVES YOU!!!!! I know from experience that some days it is hard to smile. God hears us and we never have to say one word out loud. I am glad to meet you. You are in my prays and I pray that God will let you know that He hears you and that He puts His loving arms around you in a huge hug.

Love and Hugs,
Joyce of Creation In Progress

Melanie said...

I am glad to see you have some big decisions and that you are at peace with those choices.

Keep on blogging about what you are feeling- it's a great form of therapy.

I continue to keep you in my prayers.

Livin' With Me

Cricket's Hearth said...

I tried to leave message a few days ago but my google account was messed up. I finally figured out how to make another one. I am so impressed by your ability to "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" (my grandmother used to say that) on take charge of your life. Great decisions! Blessings, Cricket

Cricket's Hearth said...

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to use this picture for a new tag/meme I am launching today. It truely is insightful. Blessings, Cricket