Isn't this the most amazing picture? I absolutely love it! It so beautifully captures how even though we age and change on the outside we are still the same person we always were only older and hopefully wiser.
I cried last night and whew~ it was so healing to my soul. I forget that when even my bones are dry, tears water my soul. I needed that. I tend to think that I shouldn't cry, that I should stay strong, but even my Savior cried.
Today is a new day and it is a wonderful one. I apologize to anyone who reads my writings as I imagine they can be a downer. That is not my intention. I need to write/type things out as it helps me get perspective. I do not wish to burden my kids with these things and the blog is a wonderful release for me. I also hope that someone reading can relate or may be in the same place I am and realize, as one of my commenters said, that we are not alone.
I thank God that He carries me through the times when I don't even have the energy to stand. Not having a voice for over 2 weeks now has been a mixed bag of tricks. It is a pain-in-the-rump as far as verbal communication is concerned, but being quiet has its benefits. I was able/forced to contemplate things, which is something I do not tend to take time out to do. Funny, for someone who has very little in the way of a social life, I am kinda always doing something.
While I battle chemical depression, the circumstances and situations in my life have not been conducive to contentment. To this end, I have made some decisions.
I need to love myself...like Christ does. The first order of business is that I am now scheduling God time. This is, unfortunately, something that I reserved for times when I was so down-n-out that there was no where else to turn but up. So, instead of waiting for the well to dry out, I am going to keep it brimming to the top and overflowing.
Secondly, I have rejoined FlyLady.net. This woman took a very simple concept and built it into something amazing that has helped many women just like me. I know what to do, what I shoulda/coulda/woulda done, but often simply don't do it. She shares wisdom, suggestions, and experiences with a great sence of humor. FLY stand for Finally Loving Yourself. She covers everything from 15 minute cleaning times, to excercise, to pampering yourself, and more. She is, infact, a woman after my own heart. I, too, love a shiny kitchen sink first thing in the morning:). It makes me smile as I start my pot of coffee!
Spending time with my Lord and following along with FlyLady are two simple things that I can implement today. I feel good about both of them.
On a bigger scale, there are two decisions that have been in process for some time.
1. I have applied for SSI. Although I do not qualify, due to lack of work credit hours, for Disabilty, my health and current income qualify me for SSI. Despite the horror stories I have heard concerning the application process my own experience has been a smooth one. Since they pay you from the date of your initial application, my first check will be for a few months. With that money, I can buy a car and re-gain my independence. I will also, once again, qualify for health insurance and medication coverage. There is also a good possibility that I will be able to get a home health care aide. Finances and medical coverage are two of the largest stressors in my life.
2. I have been so very blessed to be able to raise all four of my children in 3 bedroom house in a wonderful neighborhood. When all of them lived at home, and before my strokes, it was not difficult to take care of the house and yard. Since the strokes and now that it is just me and my youngest son, the upkeep gets to be overwhelming. To that end, even though it has been one of the hardest decisions of my life, I have decided that we will be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment in the near future. Even with all of the wrestling I did while coming to this conclusion, peace was immediate once I finalized my decision.
God is soooooo good! I am grateful for His grace, His mercies that are new every morning, and for clarity of thought.
Have an absolutely wonderfully blessed day!