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Monday, September 17, 2007

Letter to Megan


I hope this finds you well. I have been contemplating as to how to even start a letter to you. I am usually the one doing the inspiring, the cheering on, and cheering up.

I have battled chemical depression all of my life-or at least since hormones kicked in. I remember sobbing uncontrollably and my Dad promising me anything in the world if I could just tell him why I was crying.

Depression has robbed me of so much. I fight to find joy in everyday life, I crave laughter. Peace eludes me for long spans of time. I have made, and am now reaping hell from, decisions in/because of/due to my depression. Many of them were made by default-not having what it took to make a conscious decision, I let stuff happen. Bad move. Being stuck in my head is the worst place I can be and yet I get locked so deep inside there sometimes that I dont even realize what has happened.

Depression kept me from being totally there for my children, but God is faithful and He "minded the store" so to speak when I was "out to lunch." I do not share all or any of this with you in an attempt to gain pity...I am not a very good whiner. It doesn't feel good to me.

There was a time when I called myself "David" because I cried out to God almost non-stop. Without my deep faith in God Almighty, I shudder to think where I would be today. He has carried me through hell and back, even tho, I must admit there are times when we still disagree on the definition of "how much I can handle." He has a great sense of humor.

I am at a point in my life where restoration has begun, and yet it doesn't always feel like it. I am not one who "would, should, or coulds" herself or others. I have worn the Serenity Prayer out time and time again. There are times when all hell is breaking loose around me and I walk in the peace that passes all understanding. Others think me strong and wise. I also get accused of having a direct phone line to the Throne:).

Battling physical ailments(Rheumatoid Arthritis/Fibromyalgia) makes me tired and crabby. I get confused, as I truly believe that I have a mission similar to yours, and yet, here I am. God sends me people all of the time. We have a joke that I am the true personification of the Statue of Liberty...give me your tired, hungry, poor, spiritually broken, hurting...

I am happiest when talking from my heart to anyone about whatever they need to talk about. People respond well to me because what I say comes from deep within my heart. Praise and worship music is my safe-haven...the more I sing it, the happier I am:).

I am in a marriage that is unfortunate. He battles alcoholism and our personalities are so different. He often needs things from me that I just don't have...kinda like expecting water from a parched well. He loves me as best he can and could very well be a wonderful husband to some one other than me. I often think I should be alone, but inside I crave a warm and loving relationship.

We have 4 children...ages 23, 22, 18, and 17. I love each one for who they are and am ever so grateful to God that the kids and I can, and do, talk about everything. That sure makes for easier relationships.

Finances have always been a struggle and I don't miss the money, but instead the opportunities that could have been afforded to all of us. God is, and always has been, my Source and He has never failed.

I am in the forgiving and healing process...accepting my responsibility in all of this, forgiving myself, and then seeking forgiveness from God and the kids. So far, so good.

I do not have a car, so I am often at home. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as I don't mind being alone with myself. It does however pose problems when it comes to getting groceries or going to the doctor. God always makes sure I get where I need to go.

All of this has been churning and burning in me for so long. I hope you don't regret the It is good for my soul to get these things out, I can tell that already.

Over the years, we have gone to various counselors, churches, friends, etc., and it has always ended badly. Hence, I don't talk to many folks about what is really going on inside of me.

Last spring my husband and I separated. After a few months, I contacted an old friend-the father of my oldest(23 yr. old) child. We talked almost daily via the telephone for over a year. Suddenly, he confessed that he has an addiction and has not contacted me since. Right, wrong, or indifferent I miss his calls terribly. After 22 years, we seemed to have picked up where we left off and it was wonderful. God used him to heal many of the gaping wounds that festered in my broken heart, soul, mind, and spirit.

One thing I never thought I would feel/think/say is this: I miss my beauty. Now I know I am a 47 year old woman, I just don't wanna look like one. I guess that makes me Beauty and youth are so wasted on the young.

I will close for now. It is late and I need some sleep. I would like to write more. I am going to add these conversations with you to my blog. I will only add your responses with your permission.

Thanx for taking the time to get to know me.



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